You Have (1) New Message In Your Inbox, You Wish
From: Bank of America
[Your parents] have put money into your checking account. Go wild in that H&M, girl!
You have a new message from someone who uses proper grammar and spelling and who makes an actually clever and intelligent quip in their opening. They also have nice hair and teeth, like a prize-winning race horse. Check it out!
From: Your professor
Class has been cancelled today. For those who do show up, there will be a pizza party. Free pizza and soda. Drop by, grab a slice and have a nice day off! Everyone gets an A!
From: La Bamba Burritos and Tacos
Thanks for being such an amazing customer! We’re gifting you this special coupon for unlimited tacos and burritos all month long. You deserve it for being so loyal! Effective immediately.
From: Your Boss
Please come see me in my office this afternoon for a very serious conversation…
about your new promotion!!
Gotcha. I’m a fun boss.
From: Free giveaway at Sephora and Sports Authority
Sephora and Sports Authority have teamed up to give away everything in their stores for free. It’s a very non-gender specific giveaway because we’ve recently been reading a lot of feminist theory so go nuts, guys, girls and the non-gender identified! Both stores are basically available for looting!
From:Your dream job
So we were just going through our files and it seems that when we didn’t even give you the dignity of a reply when you sent us your resume a year ago, we were being total dicks. To make up for it, how about we bypass the interview process and just offer you the job? That is, if you still want it. We must have missed how utterly perfect you are for this. OUR B.
From: Donald Glover
I have these backstage passes no one is using for tonight. Do you want them?
From: Your crush
Just wanted to know if you had the homework for class tomorrow? I totally spaced. You wouldn’t want to maybe meet up and work on it together would you? Or maybe grab dinner?
From: CNN Breaking News
A donut shop near you has been robbed. The thief left donuts everywhere, just a sea of donuts. Residents are encouraged to go down to the scene of the crime and eat the evidence.
From: Megan Fox
heeeeey, are you around this weekend? i’m coming in from la and need a place to crash.
A | A | A
In 2005 my father went to the doctor complaining of chest pain. The doctor assured him it was heartburn and sent him home with Tums and no further testing. My father came home and died of a heart attack later that day.
After a couple of hours, I had acquired a large frigate with like 40 cannons on it; I thought, ain’t no sucka running up on me.
New York City used to be mine. It’s a lot of peoples. Like the guy who is always out there at 6am selling fruit on the corner of 31st and 3rdAvenue.
Employing the word “soulmate” in casual conversation, as if that wasn’t the linguistic equivalent of coughing up glitter on someone in the middle of a sentence.