January 8, 2013

Bone, Marry, Kill: Parks and Rec’s Andy Dwyer, Tom Haverford, and Jean-Ralphio Saperstein

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Parks and Rec
Parks and Rec

It’s another edition of Bone, Marry, Kill; This time with the other men of Parks and Recreation, Andy Dwyer, Tom Haverford and Jean-Ralphio Saperstein. This one was much requested in the comments of the last one, and everyone was clamoring for more Jean-Ralphio, so I thought I’d give it to you. Although you JR fans may not be happy with these results.

For your reading pleasure: Bone, Marry, Kill: Andy, Tom and Jean-Ralphio.

Andy Dwyer

Parks and Rec
Parks and Rec

This is a tough one. Andy is basically perfect. He’s funny, good-natured, good-hearted and lovable. He’s always down for an adventure and he’s willing to make an ordinary day into a fun, weird experiment. His roleplaying games with April — wherein he’s Bert Macklin, FBI and she’s Janet Snakehole, a rich widow with a terrible secret — are exactly what you’d want to be doing with someone you’re married to. He’s loyal and sweet and is pretty much the heart of the show.

On the con side, he is a bit childish and lazy and he’s not all that intellectually stimulating.

Though he does now have dreams of becoming a police officer, Andy spent a lot of time being selfish and making Ann do everything for him. What’s to say he won’t ever go back to that? Andy would be fun to bone but I don’t know if he’s marriage material for anyone other than his current wife.

In the end, too, it’d be selfish to marry him. He’s already perfectly matched with April Ludgate. Who’d ever want to break that up?

Verdict:

Bone Andy Dwyer.

Tom Haverford

Parks and Rec
Parks and Rec

This might be an unpopular opinion but I would totally marry Tom Haverford. Can you even begin to imagine that wedding? It’d be like, strobe lights, Ginuwine would play while T-Pain performed the ceremony, there’d be tiny horses and a state of us made out of apps n’ zerts. It’d be the dopest wedding ever. Okay, maybe Tom Haverford is just a great match for me.

But I really think Tom (despite his penchant for being annoying) is really sweet, romantic and has a good heart. He’s growing up so much and looking to become not just a rich a-hole but a real hard-working business man. He’s the character who’s had the strongest arc in terms of his potential and being able to handle and come back from his many downfalls. He’s had a real tough time and he still manages to be creative, idealist and upbeat. Who wouldn’t want to be married to that? Plus, in my case, our babies would be beautiful mocha lattes. I’m sure Tom would agree.

He’s funny, he loves social media, and he appreciates the finer things in life. (His amenities for Ann were enough to convince me. Also, lemme get in on Treat Yo-Self Day!) Sorry guys, as Bruno Mars sings, I think I’m gonna marry Tom.

Verdict:

Marry Tom Haverford.

Jean-Ralphio Saperstein

Parks and Rec
Parks and Rec

Look, I LOVE Jean-Ralphio. He’s maybe the best part of the show, but that’s because he’s so insanely unbearable. I would certainly not want to marry or bone Jean-Ralphio. Marriage would be crazy because one day you could come home and your house would be turned into a nightclub or your husband would have bought you guys a 90-foot-long pet cobra or your roof would be covered in Swarovski crystals. It’s just too unpredictable and irresponsible.

Also, can you imagine a scenario where someone like Jean-Ralphio is any good in bed? He’s likely a two-minute man who wants to cover your butthole in maple syrup and make you wear a Tyra Banks mask. Just. No. Anyone that cocky has got to be terrible.

UGH THIS IS HARD. Jean-Ralphio is the best but I have to kill him. I’m sorry, Jean-Ralphio! Please hit me up on Facebook from the afterlife! #death #crazypartywiththeDevil #bouncebouncebounce TC Mark

image – Parks and Rec

Gaby Dunn

Gaby Dunn is a writer, comedian, journalist and Jesse Eisenberg enthusiast living in Los Angeles. Email her at: …

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