December 3, 2012

Possible Ways Dexter Could End

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Dexter
Dexter

Okay, so there’s two episodes left in this season of Dexter, which I actually thought was the last season up until my roommate just told me there’s another one coming out in 2013. So…oops. Looks like this is just a season finale and not a series finale like I was hoping for.

Yes. Hoping for.

Look, I love Dexter. I am a Dexter fan, or “Fexter.” (Nope.) I’m from Miami so watching reminds me of home and palm trees and crazy Florida wackness. I also think Michael C. Hall is a gorgeous chunk of beautiful man and I want to lick his elbows and knees, which is a new thing I’m trying to start. But dude, don’t you think the show’s about to overstay its welcome? Really, really. I was so ready for it to end. To go out on top. To end with a bang. (Hopefully not, actually. See below.)

So here are some ways I want Dexter to end, either this season or next. What’s your darkly dream ending for Dex and co.?

1. Batista Copyrights His Wardrobe And Becomes A Millionaire Style Icon

Forget buying a restaurant. Batista wants to retire and have something awesome to do? Why not copyright his signature Hawaiian shirt/suspenders/fedora combo? After the look goes viral, everyone in Miami starts wearing it. Heidi Klum rocks a sexy version on the runway. Justin Bieber wears it at his Madison Square Garden concert. Sally Fields dons it on the Oscars red carpet. Everyone wants a piece.

As the only reasonable person left in Miami, Batista retires and smokes Cuban cigars on top of his piles of money, fedora appropriately cocked.

2. LaGuerta Matters Not At All

Crumbling under the weight of her gaudy costume jewelry and florescent pantsuits, LaGuerta finally realizes that she’s been useless since pretty much two seasons ago. But because of the blood slide, she gets too close to realizing Dexter is a serial killer and…actually no one cares. LaGuerta legit calls the Miami Herald, takes out a billboard and tells freaking everyone that Dexter is a serial killer and everyone is like, “Oh, are you still talking?”

Zzzzzz.

3. All Of Dexter’s Victims Come Back As Zombies

Zombie Ice Truck Killer. Zombie Trinity. Zombie Jonny Lee Miller. That’s right. All of Dexter’s vics come back as zombies and work together to kill him. We find out that the killer montage in the show’s opening credits was actually a clue to end of the show all along: the bad guys all eat Dexter, with hot sauce and orange juice. BRILLIANT WRITING ACCOMPLISHED.

4. Deb And Dexter Finally Bang

I guess. I don’t know. Ugh.

5. Quinn Is Diagnosed As “Actually Retarded”

I don’t use the word “retarded” lightly and I certainly would never use it to describe anyone but Detective Joey Quinn. In the final scene of this season, a doctor (maybe Leo Spaceman from 30 Rock) enters Miami-Dade Hospital to find Joey Quinn waiting on the table in a hospital gown.

“I’m sorry to have to bring you bad news, Detective Quinn,” Dr. Spaceman says, “but according to these tests you are actually a certified moron.”

Joey stares blankly at the doctor. Nadia rushes in.

“Joey!” she cries. “I know we hardly know each other and I’m a prostitute/stripper who is shady as hell with apparently no brain or agency of my own, but I need you to saaaaave me!”

Then, Joey just wipes his butthole with his badge and passes out, drool falling from his dumb lips.

6. Harrison Kills Everyone

This is my dad’s idea. Harrison becomes a Chucky-like killer baby and offs everyone in Miami Metro, plus Hannah and Cody and Astor. Especially Astor. TC Mark

image – Dexter

Gaby Dunn

Gaby Dunn is a writer, comedian, journalist and Jesse Eisenberg enthusiast living in Los Angeles. Email her at: …

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