A Crazy Girl’s Gift Guide To Terrify Your Crush
A baby blanket.
Take all his Facebook photos, print them out at Kinko’s and put them in a really nice photo album. In the exact order they’re in on Facebook. Because you’ve looked through them so many times! Ha ha!
Give him a normal gift but start the explanation sentence with: “Your mom and I thought…”
Monogrammed towels for you both…with your future “new” initials on them.
Dropbox them a mix of songs that remind you of them. It has 500 songs on it.
A pillowcase that has a picture of you silk screened onto it, like the ones you can get printed at malls. Make sure it’s a photo of you smiling REAL wide, or maybe a picture of you sleeping so you can “sleep together.”
A piece of the porch from his childhood home, where his parents still live…3,000 miles away.
Get him a session with a psychic where she can tell him what the future holds for you two.
Two words: Matching. Outfits.
A jewelry box with a lock of his hair…from when he was a child.
Make a website/Facebook fan page dedicated to them, including fun facts about their habits, clothing or anything else you’ve noticed.
A video camera/tripod with videos of him from afar conveniently already on it!
Plan an elaborate vacation for the two of you. For a year from now.
Get his Tweets made into a book.
Get all of his yearbook photos K-12 blown up and framed.
A notebook with all his email and web passwords, plus Social Security number and ATM pin. So he won’t ever forget them.
A Tiffany’s catalog with a few rings circled.
A DNA test you had done for both of you to see if your future children would be at risk for any genetic diseases.
A card with all your information on it: phone number, email, home address, twitter handle, roommate’s phone number, Facebook page, work email. Now he has no excuse not to hit you up!
A picture frame where you’ve cut out the models’ heads and replaced them with your heads.
Set up a bonfire so he can burn all that stuff from his last relationship. So thoughtful! And cleansing!
Get him really expensive tickets to something and then be like, “Ha ha, guess you have to take me. Ha ha, is this a date?”
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Nobody actually expects you to act like an adult for a while.
“What are you going to do with an English degree?”
I’m finding it hard to muster any sympathy for this asthmatic leatherneck. Instead, there is only contempt.
He noted that during trial, the women (we made up three out of the four mockers) mumbled to ourselves in between questioning witnesses.