15 Text Messages You Wish You Could Send
By Gaby Dunn
1. To your former friend: “I really am sorry. I’m just too embarrassed to try and talk to you again, but I mean it. I think about you all the time but my pride won’t let me apologize.”
2. To your ex: “Fuck you forever and your dick is small.”
3. To someone you want to hook up with: “just so there’s no confusion, you can have sex with me whenever you want. like legit whenever. just come over. ;) ;) ;)”
4. To your parents: “Heeeey parents. Have I told you guys you look BEAUTIFUL today and are like, the best parents ever? Can I borrow some money?”
5. To your crush: “Hey. I like you. I think you like me. Let’s just be adults about this and stop dancing around it. Do you want to go on a date?”
6. To an old flame: “Hey, just randomly walked by your neighborhood and was thinking of you. Okay, I did it on purpose so I could send this text. This is my excuse to reach out.”
7. To your friend who ALWAYS bails: “I swear to Loki if you bail on me again when I am already at the place we were planning on going, I will come to your house and light you on fire, kk?”
8. To your boyfriend: “As much as I appreciate emoticons and the odd ‘Ok,’ I’m gonna need you to reply with actual words sometimes, plz. Like, real words, you caveman.”
9. To your favorite person to drunk-text: “Heeeey, about those weird texts I sent last night, uh, my phone was hacked okay gotta go bye.”
10. To Domino’s: “Hi new Domino’s Text-A-Pizza app, I’d like to text for one large cheese pizza please. This is the greatest invention of all time.”
11. To your roommate: “i can hear you having sex btw.”
12. To everyone who wrecked your place at the party you threw last night: “How about all of you assholes come back and help me clean up?”
13. As a reply to an ex or someone who led you on (Sick burn!): “Sry, you have the wrong number!”
14. To a person who looks way better than you at a party: “Um hey would you mind hiding in the bathroom or something for the rest of the night?”
15. To the entire cast of The Avengers “You up?”
THE NSA IS WATCHING YOU.
By Michael Koh
Give thanks, love more, and smile often.
By Michael Koh
The sex that most people are doing now is actually just an invention of the patriarchy. It’s rape.
Do good things come to those who wait? Or do good things come to those who go out and get them?