Wife Material Vol. 4: Mila Kunis
Congrats Mila Kunis! You’ve just been named Sexiest Woman of 2012 by Esquire Magazine! Everyone knows that means something in the real world, right? Oh? Not really. Well, still! Good for her!
For those of us ahead of the game, Mila Kunis has always been our funny little Jewish goddess. (That’s right. She’s a Heeb! Hooray Jews!) I’ve had a crush on Mila Kunis since pretty much the day my lady bits were able to feel feelings. She’s basically my ideal woman. She’s a nerd, she’s hot, she kissed a girl in a movie. In word association, if you were to say “perfect” I might say, “MILA KUNIS.” She’s just teeth-gratingly hot. I turn into a caveman when I see her. I wanna like, club her over the head and drag her back to my apartment so she can be my World of Warcraft-playing, poker-loving, sexy wife.
Name: Mila Kunis
Occupation: Actress, Russian spy, Jewish jezebel, voice artist, flawless human being, nerd, gamer, linguist, friend with benefits.
Description: Mila Kunis came into fame when she was cast as Jackie on That 70s Show when she was only 14 years old. She lied to casting directors by cheekily saying she would be “18 soon.” After that she was cast as the voice of Meg on Family Guy and her career had taken off. Her performance opposite Natalie Portman in Black Swan was haunting and creepy and I loved it. She’s got a broad range as an actress (from comedy to drama to animation) and in interviews generally comes across as cool as hell.
Kunis is known for being super chill and super hot. She’s like that down-ass girlfriend who can hang in sweatpants, watch movies and smoke weed all weekend. She famously agreed to attend a military ball with a Marine who asked her out via Youtube which was so nice and infinitely sweet of her. She def made that dude’s life. And she speaks fluent Russian, which she used to shut down a Russian reporter who asked a rude question of her co-star Justin Timberlake.
Benefits to Marriage: Mila Kunis seems like she’d be a super fun wife. She likes cool, interesting stuff like playing poker, languages, video games, technology — she just seems like she’d be really interesting to talk to and lord knows, committing to marriage means finding someone who can hold your interest for FOREVER. She’s also probably very loyal and not afraid of commitment as she was devoted to boyfriend Macaulay Culkin for almost a decade.
Mila Kunis Playing Poker
On top of that, she’s a beautiful girl, with a natural look and a dark little edge to her that makes her even more interesting to look at. But that doesn’t mean Kunis hasn’t known hardship; Her family moved to the US from the Ukraine in 1991 with less than $250 to their names to make a better life for Kunis and her brother and because of growing anti-Semiticism. She also has a medical condition that causes blindness in one eye, which she had surgery to correct. Damn Mila, can you catch a break? How can you run from the pogroms with only one eye? :( But hardship breeds strength so you know she’s got some depth to her beyond the average Hollywood actress.
Kunis is also an educated feminist who has also blasted the GOP for their views on women’s rights. You go girl.
Drawbacks: Some people believe Kunis is putting on the “nerd girl” act in an attempt to gain nerdy fans who want to fantasize that someone as hot as she is could actually be into what they’re in to. In a popular clip reel on Youtube, Kunis is included talking about WoW as though it’s a put-on gimmick to appeal to Comic Con geeks. So if that idea bothers you, Kunis ain’t yo lady.
She’s also stated, on the heels of her relationship with Culkin, that she’s not really interested in actually getting married. So you know, you may have to settle for a Kurt Russell-Goldie Hawn-style arrangement instead of an actual wedding.
You Must Be: Chill, bi-lingual, smart, fun, a gamer, a tech nerd, down with non-traditional common-law marriage, Kevin MaCallister, a Marine with a Youtube account, a Democrat and Natalie Portman.
The Dowry Mila Brings: A guild of trolls and elves, Russian culture, a sexy, dark side, confidence, Seth MacFarlane (er…), a bunch of poker chips and her undeniable coolness. Mila Kunis, you’re kind of the one.
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When I was a kid, I dreamed of my mid-20s. Seriously, you remember those awkward moments of junior high, high school, and even college when you just thought, “Goddamnit, I wish I were a real adult,” right?
10. Make sure your lips are always chapped by constantly licking them and never applying chap stick.
23. Respect that there will always be a few things in the fridge that are absolutely and completely off-limits, but share a bottle of wine or a couple beers every now and again in the spirit of friendship.
Pull them closer in their sleep.