A Corporate Welcome Email To My Chin Pimples
By Gaby Dunn
From: therestoftheface@gmail.com
To: therestoftheface@gmail.com
Add Cc, Add BCc
SUBJECT: Welcome Chin Pimples To The Team!
Attach file, Insert Invitation
First off, a hearty hello to Chin Pimples! We’re so glad you’ll be joining us at My Face for however long you choose to stay! Can’t wait to see what you bring to the acne table.
For the rest of you, a little introduction. Chin Pimples came us to late one night this week as well, frankly sort of a surprise! (Sorry, Chin Pimples! Don’t mean anything by it. Just being honest!) We weren’t really looking to fill any new positions on the ol’ acne-face, though there certainly were openings available. And you know how we were work here at My Face — any time there’s even remotely a spot unoccupied, some lucky pimple’s gonna get right in there.
So we weren’t expecting Chin Pimples but once he arrived we knew he’d be here to stay. First of all, his resume is impressive. (Hope you don’t mind me bragging for you, Chimples! Can I call you Chimples? We like nicknames around this office!) He comes to us with an undergraduate degree in Ruining Important Dates from Stanford University out west, and then a Masters in Causing Vanity-Related Mental Breakdowns from Yale University right here on the east coast. He completed an award-winning thesis on Making You Ugly And The Effects On Self-Confidence. He is currently working on his Ph.D in Crying At Home Instead Of Going Out, which he hopes to complete in the next two years. (Hard worker this one!) He has almost two decades of experience ruining people’s faces and making them buy every over-the-counter acne product CVS has to offer — so no need to worry about training this one, corporate!
Chimples joins an already impressive team here at My Face. He’ll be working alongside the Forehead Acne, doing a remarkable job despite an earlier setback this year when the owner of My Face tried to cover them by getting bangs. Luckily, this endeavor was unsuccessful and Forehead Acne found a way to surge ahead. (We were all rooting for you guys! That smack in the middle of the forehead so it looks like a bindi design was pure genius! A total amazing comeback after a hard few months in hiding.)
He’ll also take up on the work left behind by cheek pimples, which spend a lot of time being covered up by excessive amounts of pink blush, which we are working on — thank you for the complaints and comments. Human Resources is on that one hard, striving to make bigger, more noticeable pimples that make-up can’t hinder. Chimples will also be in charge of the underling teams of lip-line pimples, nose blemishes and under the eyebrow zits, all working very hard to become more profitable and stronger this year. Under his tutelage, we believe My Face’s owner will surely spend a night picking at and then covering and then crying over one of them very soon. (Fingers crossed!)
Anyway, we’re obviously very excited to bring Chin Pimples, such a prominent, painful and well-respected member of the acne community to this branch of My Face. We’re hoping he can counteract the balancing act birth control has been trying to do to us, and maybe bring some more cheer to this office! We hope you’ll extend him a warm, hormonal welcome as that is all he needs to get started getting his hands dirty here at My Face.
If you see him in the halls, don’t hesitate to say hi! He’s really friendly!
Welcome to the team, Chin Pimples! We’re prepared for you to have a long and fruitful stay!
Sincerely,
The My Face team