23 Things No One Cares About But You
1. Thinking that the people watching you cross the street from inside their cars are judging your face, clothing or the way you walk
2. Worrying what people think of your Facebook cover photo
3. Thinking you’re causing sidewalk congestion by moving to the side to check your phone even though you’re not sure what else to do
4. Shame that you messed up the dinner you made for yourself last night, meaning you’re not ready to be an adult
5. Worrying people are wondering what’s up when you change seats on the subway, or think you’re a snob or a jerk or judging them
6. Thinking people are still not sure about you after a stupid joke you made a zillion years ago
7. Accidentally making eye contact with a stranger more than once, meaning you’re a creep
8. That the shirt you’re wearing doesn’t fit exactly right, but still looks okay
9. What’s in your Netflix queue and what it says about you. You’re a big, burly man and you like “Period pieces featuring strong women from the 1980s,” so what?
10. How many times you coughed lightly during a conversation
11. That there are small chips in your manicure so you’re not classy
12. The loud sound it made when your pencil snapped in the public or college library that one time, disturbing everyone’s work
13. If you stared too long at someone’s dog as they walked by. Do they think you’re going to like, steal their dog now?
14. That you wore the same dress twice around the same people, and they might think you never change clothes
15. If you haven’t seen the latest Breaking Bad episode or ever watched Mad Men and you think people will find you out of touch or boring
16. That you, coincidentally, couldn’t hang out a few times in a row with the same person and now they definitely hate you
17. Accidentally saying “you too” when a server says, “Enjoy your meal.”
18. That you like sports, or don’t like sports. That you have a favorite team or don’t have a favorite team. That’s all on your own time.
19. How nerdy or not nerdy or cool and uncool you were in high school. It’s over, no one cares about high school anymore.
20. That tiny pimple only you can see on your cheek, looking somehow HUGE to you in the mirror meaning maybe your mind is playing tricks on you or maybe you can’t actually tell what is noticeable and what isn’t
21. The hole in your sweater under your armpit
22. If all this worrying is manifesting outside your mind and somehow physically visible on you and to other people
23. When you close your door kind of conspicuously and now you’re worried people think maybe you’re doing it so you can look at porn or masturbate or do something freaky and weird
A | A | A
You’re not nice, honey, you’re bitter.
If you can’t afford to tip. EAT. AT. HOME. In fact don’t eat at all. Go starve and die.
“GET OFF HER HAIR, IDIOT!”
I’m not made of porcelain and I’m not going to break if you use the wrong words or reveal yourself to be a terrible person.