15 Signs You Should Quit Your Job
By Gaby Dunn
1. You wake up every morning, open your eyes, say the F-word and pray for death.
2. Your chest tightens when you approach the street your job is on, even if you’re not going in to work that day. Your body has trained itself to know when you’re getting close, and it does not like it.
3. You don’t even care about the money and/or health insurance anymore and start romanticizing a lifestyle wherein you eat ramen everyday and ask your friends what they think is wrong with the mole on your neck. Could be fun and character-building? (It won’t be.)
4. You spend multiple hours every day just sitting at your desk staring at the wall.
5. Your boss emails and texts and calls you all the time. At 7 p.m. when you’re on a date after an 80 zillion hour work week. Anytime when you are home for Thanksgiving. Or at 3 a.m. when you are asleep.
6. You start noticing gray hairs and under-eye bags and wrinkles that weren’t there when you first started this job.
7. When someone asks you what you do for a living, you laugh until you cry. It weirds everyone out.
8. You spend the majority of your time with your significant other or best friend bitching about how much you hate your job.
9. You physically can not bring yourself to care anymore and have just started throwing files you’re handed directly into the garbage can and then feigning ignorance.
10. You made a voodoo doll of your annoying co-worker using some of her real hair and you regularly push pins into its neck, head and arms.
11. You’ve started fantasizing about vacations, even to lame or sad events and places like your aunt’s cat’s birthday party or maybe someone in your family will die and you can take time off to go to the funeral. Is that bad?
12. You’re so severely underappreciated that you never get promoted or praised for anything you do. You literally did the work of five people and your boss still called you, “Angela” for the fifth time even though you are a dude.
13. You hear the music from Jaws in your head anytime someone approaches your desk.
14. You are so bored so regularly that you have secretly created a sculpture of gum under your desk which you’ve actually carefully cultivated and are kind of proud of.
15. You’ve planned several elaborate quitting fantasies. One involves a crossbow, a rubber slide and a bag of glitter. You do the math.
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