How Florida Are You?
1. How old are you?
A) 0-12 years old
B) 18-24 years old
C) 65 and over
D) As old as time itself
2. What is the capital of Florida?
A) Miami (Thx, Will Smith!)
C) Disney World
D) The Pembroke Pines Century Village Retirement Center
3. Which one of these are you?
C) Cuban Redneck Elderly Jew
D) The Crypt Keeper’s mother
4. Why are some people called “snowbirds?”
A) Because they do a lot of cocaine
B) Because they move from the north to Florida for the winter months
C) Because they fly down only to go to Disney World
D) Because they do a lot of cocaine (Have you SEEN Scarface?)
5. Did you survive 1992′s Hurricane Andrew?
A) Yes. I was a child then and my whole family was freaked.
B) Yes. But my house blew away or was crushed by a falling tree or was infested with alligators or was flooded up to 17 feet.
C) No. I lived somewhere else at the time.
D) No. I am dead.
6. What weird outfit does your dad wear to prune the trees in your backyard?
A) Short shorts, a visor, flip flops, no shirt
B) UF tank top, no shoes, basketball shorts, fanny pack
C) Short shorts, University of Miami hat, sneakers, no shirt
D) Totally nude
7. Have you ever seen an alligator crawl out of a canal by your friend’s house and almost eat someone?
A) Legit every day of my childhood.
B) Once. And one time my dad took me to the Everglades to watch a Native American fellow wrestle one and then we bought a gator tooth from a flea market there.
C) Yes. It was me. I have one arm now.
D) Yes. Then someone’s dad killed it and cooked it into a chili which we all had for dinner. NBD.
8. How many pairs of flip flops do you own?
A) One pair that I wear constantly so they’re really worn down and gross with indentations for all my toes.
B) Two: a casual pair and a fancy pair for you know, dressy occasions.
C) One but I get a new pair every semester as a sort of “back to school” gift to myself.
D) I don’t want to talk about it. Let’s just say I own stock in Rainbows.
9. What are you most likely to see at the beach?
A) Babes in bikinis getting champagne poured into their cleavage
B) Families arguing about prime set-up locations and sunscreen usages and crying babies
C) A fat woman in an over-sized T-shirt with an airbrushed skinnier woman’s body on it. You know, HI-larious stuff.
D) One leathery skinned old dude in a revealing Speedo with white chest hairs, proudly strolling the boardwalk.
10. What are the four seasons?
A) Summer, spring, winter, fall
B) Summer, summer, summer, summer
C) Summer, super hot summer, cooler summer, death summer
D) A coyote skull from a cartoon about the wild west, a tumbleweed, a dead flower, a human corpse.
11. When the news says a hurricane is coming, you:
A) Run for the hills! A HURRICANE, DID YOU HEAR THEM?
B) Blank stare.
C) Stock up on tequila and margarita mix. It’s about to be a hurricane party.
D) Stand out in the street in a bathing suit crying, “I am the God of weather! You will never defeat me!”
12. What kind of experience is driving down the highway?
D) SCREEEEECH. OLD LADY DRIVER. FIREY CRASH.
13. Does your house have central air?
A) What? No way.
B) Sure, yeah.
C) Of course it does.
D) HOLY HELL. DO YOU HAVE A DEATH WISH, MAN?
14. What is Jai Alai?
A) A long-lost Jewish holiday
B) An exit off I-75 N
C) A fruit festival near Lake Okeechobee
D) A sport I’m definitely not skipping school to go bet on. Definitely not.
15. Is Publix the best grocery store there is?
A) It’s, you know, like any other.
B) I’d eat at their deli.
C) They have a great bakery section.
D) I PLEDGE ALLEGIANCE TO PUBLIX AND TO WHERE SHOPPING IS A GODDAMN PLEASURE. Gimme dat sweet, sweet Publix. Only fools would shop anywhere else! FOOLS!
A | A | A
If you’ve been looking for a chance to say something then this very well could be it.
I wish to God I’d had a list like this when I was 23.
Answer phones better than anyone else has answered phones before. Relay messages so brilliant, they bring people to tears. Turn the coffee run into the choreography of Swan Lake. Become best friends with every intern and every underling and every taxi driver you encounter.
I remember taking the pen and notebook from that woman outside the courtroom, flipping to a clean page in the book, and writing, JESSICA IS SAD in big, bold, uncoordinated letters. “My sister is going to be a good writer someday! Look at how nice her lines are!”