Welcome to the showroom! Have you had a chance to look around? Need any help? Oh, certainly yes. I’ve been working here as a salesperson for a few years now. I’m sure I can answer all your “Boyfriend” questions.
Well, the newest model we have on display is right here — the “Boyfriend Hipstomatic.” He’s the absolute latest. You can tell because he comes pre-loaded to love all the most relevant bands like Fun. and Best Coast. He’s weather resistant so able to stand long concerts outside in the rain or heat, which is very important if you don’t want him to break down after too much use. His mustache is clip-on. See. Pops right off into your hand like a Mr. Potato Head part, which you can easily store in your purse for later reattachment. He comes with one outfit though, which is the only drawback. It’s the one he has on, yes. The neon yellow tank top does come in other colors, but the pants unfortunately do not come off. Yes, they’re quite tight. Okay, perhaps this isn’t the model for you. There’s plenty more to show.
Ah, yes. I see the beefy “Broyfriend” has caught your eye. He’s an older model, really peaked in sales around 2006 but still very popular. He comes with a red Solo cup, which is of course re-fillable. The backwards cap does not come off though. Each “Broyfriend” also comes with a tag with their own name and college affiliation sort of like a human Beanie Baby. Let’s take a look at the display model for instance and ah, yes! This one is called “Chad” and he attended University of Michigan on a lacrosse scholarship. There have been complaints from clients about a rage malfunction, though if I’m being perfectly honest with you. Sometimes the “Broyfriend” has a glitch that causes him to become irrevocably angry. I’d try not to have any valuables in the house if you go with this model. But he’s a lot of fun otherwise. Truly.
Over here, we have the “Boyfriend: Nerd Extended Pack.” He’s going to need to spend a lot of time refueling at the comic book store and Gamestop, but other than that he comes fully packaged with knowledge of Doctor Who, Magic: The Gathering, Reddit and anime. Like the “Broyfriend,” he does come with a glitch wherein he just likes to talk endlessly about himself and his own interests. We are working on that back in the lab, but it’s a tough algorithm to break, though I have to say, some clients have really done remarkable work in getting the “Nerd Extended Pack” to seem actually human. They will treat you wonderfully though, because they’re programmed to be grateful you’re even talking to them so expect a lot of doting — in his own way. You want to wait until we fix the bugs on this one? I completely understand. He’s a wonderful model, but even I can admit he needs some work before he hits the wider market.
This last model in the case over in the corner? Oh, very expensive. Not sure if he’s in your price range, no offense. Come take a look. This is the “Boyfriend.0.” There’s a very limited supply in stock, and they always sell out quickly. “Boyfriend.0″ is a custom upgrade. He comes with all sorts of bells and whistles including affection, intellect, a good job, hobbies, nice friends and a great family. We recently installed a thoughtfulness chip that we think has led to increased consideration; In fact some of our customers have reported having bubble baths drawn for them and roses delivered to their offices. Very advanced stuff for this model, but you know, sometimes they evolve more sophisticated technologies after they’re out of our hands. It’s really up to how their owner treats them.
That’s the secret I think other salespeople here at the showroom won’t tell you. These are really reciprocal droids. They learn as much from their clients as they do from the systems we start them out with. There’s really no way to tell, just by buying a certain model, how everything will turn out. It’s always a bit of a gamble.
But you know, isn’t that half the fun of buying a “Boyfriend?” I certainly think so. Ready to make a purchase?
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It started with a right swipe, a little green heart. Tinder of course.
Though I acknowledge and appreciate the differences in human experiences, and while your heartbreak is (and always will be) uniquely and completely your own, I must urge you to consider that I have been where you are.
With his hat cocked back, body tilted away from his cane, and right forefinger pointing directly at his audience, Joseph Ducreux commands the attention of those viewing his self-portrait.
I was born in 1990; he was born in 1973. I’m 23; he just turned 40.