Are We Ever Gonna Date Or What?
By Gaby Dunn
Oh, hey. Hey. Nothing much, just hanging out, you know, saying hi to some people. Oh, cool. Cool.
Listen, I… No, haha. You go first. No, you go first. What were you gonna say?
Oh, yeah! Yeah, totally. It is super loud in here. Yeah, yeah.
Oh, what was I gonna say? Oh, uh. Just like, it’s nice to see you, dude. What have you been up to?
Neat. Oh, that’s really great. Fantastic. I’m super happy for you. That’s what you want to do, right? Oh well, awesome. I’m glad to hear it.
I’m good. You know, same old. I saw that movie you told me you thought would be good. Yeah! I loved it. You saw it too? Yeah, the part with the… yeah, yeah! Ha! I loved it. Best movie I’ve seen in a while. No, I went alone. You did too? Oh, cool. When? Oh! Weird. We both went Saturday. Alone. To a movie we both wanted to see. Hm.
Am I seeing anyone? No, no. Still single. Just you know, playing the field. Happy to have my freedom and stuff. Like, come home from work and just relax, you know? Not have to like, go out and see someone and like cuddle them when I’m lonely or like, do fun activities together. Just like, blah, right? Who needs it? So much work. Let me just like, watch 30 Rock alone for hours in peace. Yeah, for sure.
Oh, remember that funny video I sent you of the panda bear sneezing and then you sent me the one back of the lion hugging the zookeeper? I found like, a whole Tumblr of funny animal videos. I will totally send it to you. Remind me about it next time we’re on Gchat together which is you know, every single day when we’re both at work.
You’re not seeing anyone either? Oh well, good, right? More time to focus on all the new career stuff going on for you. Nice. Yeah. Relationships! Who needs ‘em?
Oh, uh, yeah, it’s a new watch. Totally, put your hand on my hand and flip my wrist over and gently rub my skin while you look at the brand. Yep. I just got it. Oh, thanks. That’s sweet. Yeah, I like it too. I had to get it resized which was a pain but yeah, thanks. I’m glad you like it. You could probably get a similar one at like, Macy’s maybe? I don’t know. I ordered this one online… and you’re still touching me and now we’re looking at each other and standing too close.
So like, listen. Uh, I’m not misreading this, right? Like, this is a flirtation? We keep flirting with each other? I’m not some weird robot who can’t understand basic human interaction? Oh, okay good. Cool.
I was thinking about maybe going to the museum this weekend. There’s free admission on Saturdays and I’ve never been. Yeah, it’s weird when you have nothing to do on a Saturday, totally. What should you do this Saturday? Oh, I don’t know. I guess it depends on the weather, right?
You could always come with… hm, what’s that?
No, uh. I don’t know. I don’t know why we’re so awkward. You’re being awkward. I’m not usually like this. I mean, I’m a little bit like this, but man, you dial it up to 11.
How much longer can we just… Hm?
Listen, buddy. I… Are you… are you gonna ask me out anytime soon? Are we gonna date or what? I know that’s not polite or whatever, but you’re kind of driving me crazy here. We do this every single time we see each other and I can’t figure it out. It’s like a Rubik’s Cube of a conversation. Are you shy or something? Can you not read signals? Are we both just so hopelessly weird that we can’t get it together?
You like me? Yeah. I know. I like you too. I’m just saying someone’s gotta bite the bullet here. Is it gonna have to be me? Or will that scare you away like a skittish doe in the headlights of love?
Okay, it’s a bad metaphor but you know what I mean.
Ha! It is kind of funny. I mean, no one likes to put themselves out there and be the vulnerable one. It’s like a Mexican standoff of dating. Who’s gonna give in first? Who’s gonna open up about what this really is? Who’s gonna make it “a thing?” …We’re both just being idiots right now.
Oh? Yeah. I mean, yes, I would love to go on a date with you.
Describe for us the threesome with your OKCupid hookup.
By Larry Hardin
If this doesn’t become the biggest video on the Internet, then I have no faith left in humanity.
By Rob Fee
I’m about to finish up my sophomore fall of college, and friends from home are getting married and having babies and sufficiently freaking me out.
He was a perfect date. I later got drunk and hacked his phone (who uses their birth year for a password? It was 1986, by the way #teamcougar). What I found was a text to a Kristina explaining his aforementioned sex dream he’d had about her while sleeping next to me in a luxurious hotel bed.
By Meg Beyer