Rejected Olympic Events For Lazy People
Twitter hashtags are hit or miss but #RejectedOlympicEvents, has inspired some hilarious ideas for new “sports.” Look, not all of us can be Olympians. That requires hard work and dedication and sacrifice. Not everyone’s cut out for that. But the average person could participate in an Olympic event like say, blunt rolling or a game of rock, paper, scissors.
Etc, etc. You get it. Here’s some of our own, specifically for you lazy bones losers out there:
1. One-Handed Bra Unfastening
One-Handed Bra Unfastening is more of an art form than it is a sporting event, depending on the context. For ladies, taking off your bra one-handed is a skill you’ve perfected since probably the age of thirteen (so you’ve been training most of your life like a real Olympian)! For girls, this isn’t just a sexy-time activity, it’s what we look forward to most at the end of an exhausting day. Have you ever heard a woman sigh after removing her bra with one hand? It’s our birthright. Dudes only get to one-hand remove a ladies undergarment if she so allows him.
But generally Olympic events are for both genders — so get on board, guys. If everything I’ve heard about the Olympic Village sexcapades is true, this is a skill you definitely might need.
2. Hitting Snooze
Hitting snooze works the arm muscles and the wrists and fingers. I train for this event every morning using the alarm clock on my iPhone. In fact, I purposefully set my timer to go off about a half hour before I need it to so I can “work out” in preparation. (Actually it just takes me that long to fully wake up.)
Hitting snooze requires the fortitude to stay sound asleep even though you’re hearing noise and moving a limb. It’s much harder than it looks. It also requires the ability to discern when exactly your alarm has gone off for the last time before it’s absolutely imperative that you get out of bed. It’s really more math than athletics, actually.
3. Olympic Texting An Excuse For Not Going Out
Your phone is blowing up. Your friend wants to do something you know is going to be a big, annoying production. There’s a Law and Order:SVU or Degrassi marathon on TV and you put on PJ pants the minute you got home from work. You’re not freaking going anywhere. Obviously, either it’s unacceptable to simply say, “I’m staying in” or that answer is not going to work on your pushy, grudge-holding friend. Hurry! You need an excuse fast!
Coming up with the perfect believable reason for not going out requires quick thinking, cunning, and agile fingers. It’s also a test of memory: Remember not to use one you’ve used before. Grandma can only get sick a couple times before she’s gotta kick the bucket. Faking a funeral is nearly impossible. (Uh, so I’ve heard.)
4. Facebook Stalking
Ryan O’Connell calls this “Nancy Drew, Twitter Detective.” It’s the act of sitting down and combing the internet for information about someone. You become Sherlock Holmes, piecing bits of photos together, matching outfits and statuses to nights out and timeline interactions. Facebook stalking is a task as big as any in the Olympic Games. It requires emotional distance, yet deep-seated caring, hands with the strength to click, click, click for hours on the same person’s photo albums and the mental power to put together clues where there may not be any. (“They both updated about the new Fiona Apple album within two days of each other. They’re definitely doing it.”)
Finding what you’re looking for — or not looking for — could take some time. The event is not a sprint, it’s a marathon.
5. Doing Laundry And Actually Putting The Clothes Away
The laundry pile and subsequent folding: An impossible relay of tasks for the average lazy person. You might feel accomplished just putting the dirty clothes into the washing machine and hitting “start” but the race hardly ends there. Next comes the grueling task of moving the wet clothes into the dryer. Once that’s done, that hot bundle isn’t going to fold itself.
Judges will take points off for leaving clean clothes in a heap on your bed — and even more deductions are made for every night you actually sleep on top of those clothes. This event is high energy, intense and full of pressure. It’s where many a dedicated lazy person Olympian has fallen apart. Some don’t even make the qualifying rounds.
Most don’t bother competing. In fact, they use performance-enhancing drugs (aka Febreze). It’s a disgrace to the games.
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If you’ve been looking for a chance to say something then this very well could be it.
I wish to God I’d had a list like this when I was 23.
Answer phones better than anyone else has answered phones before. Relay messages so brilliant, they bring people to tears. Turn the coffee run into the choreography of Swan Lake. Become best friends with every intern and every underling and every taxi driver you encounter.
I remember taking the pen and notebook from that woman outside the courtroom, flipping to a clean page in the book, and writing, JESSICA IS SAD in big, bold, uncoordinated letters. “My sister is going to be a good writer someday! Look at how nice her lines are!”