Judging people is wrong, but when it comes to food choices it’s really easy to do. Mostly, this is an okay practice, as long as you don’t say anything out loud about it while they are eating. Lord knows there’s enough delicacy involved in people’s consumption habits. You don’t want to cause any anorexia relapses because you’re being a sh-tty person during a meal. But! Sometimes it’s really hard not to question someone for failing to understand the glory of a certain food you love. Because I mean…right? It’s delicious and it’s the best and what is wrong with you?!
I’m sure everyone has their own version of these but here are my foods that, if you say you don’t like them, I’ll side-eye the crap out of you.
A few months ago at a party, I found out one of my very best friends dislikes goat cheese. I almost threw him out of the house. I felt like I didn’t know him at all. Not liking goat cheese is beyond me. Goat cheese is amazing. It is creamy and delicious. It is like throwing a Ludacris verse on the track in the early 2000s — it makes everything way better. Aside from those with lactose intolerance (a group I realize will have trouble with a lot of these…), how can anyone not love goat cheese?
When I was in Europe, Chelsea’s boyfriend bought goat cheese potato chips for us to eat while pre-gaming. I wrinkled my nose, turning the package over in my hands. There was no way these could be tasty — even if they were made of God’s gift to cheeses. I tried one. …All right. Not terrible, but not great. I started going through the five stages of eating something you’re not sure is actually good.
1. Denial (These are gross!)
2. Anger (Why am I still eating these?!)
3. Bargaining (Okay, maybe just oneeee more.)
4. Depression (Ugh, I am so unhealthy. I am definitely gonna eat all of these.)
5. Acceptance (Whatever. These are delicious and gross. They are both. They are grosslicious. I have lost all shame.)
Half a bag later, I awoke from my goat cheese chip coma. Goat cheese is the Kevin Garnett of cheeses. Anything is possible.
Never has such a yummy food been trapped in such a hard-to-get-through shell. Have you ever tried to actually get to the avocado part of an avocado? It’s the worst. Such a knife-to-flesh hazard. All that work for usually, like just a sliver of actual avocado. But is it worth it? Always. Avocado is consistently a treat — like that one friend who really gets the party started. When avocado shows up unexpectedly on a sandwich or in a salad, it is perfectly acceptable to jump up and down and do a touchdown dance at the table.
When I was a kid, my family had an avocado tree in our backyard and so my parents learned to make a ton of dishes with this fruit as the centerpiece. To this day, I take it for granted that everyone must love avocado. In fact, it’s the name of my new screenplay starring Diane Lane and John Cusack — Must Love Avocado. Coming to theaters soon.
How can you not like bagels? There are so many kinds — sesame and everything and poppy seed and cinnamon raisin. With all this variety, there’s no excuse for anyone to order a “plain” bagel. PLAIN?! No. My people, the Jews, did not invent bagels so you could be unimaginative. Get out of here with your “I don’t really like bagels, so I order a plain one with butter” BS. Moses and Golda Meir and Andy Kaufman are rolling in their graves.
This butter situation is also something that blows my mind. HAVE YOU EVER TASTED CREAM CHEESE? It might not be the chosen cheese (duh, see above: goat) but it’s certainly up there. And like bagels, there are as many possible choices of shmear as there are on an SAT scan tron. Strawberry cream cheese, vegetable cream cheese, lox spread. You’re causing me pain with this butter nonsense. You’re causing my people pain. You are basically the human version of Woody Allen’s recent career.
Mushrooms, Olives and Beets
A quickie threesome of taste-bud joy. If you don’t like even one of these, you can get the eff out. On that same note, if you do like tomatoes, you are incorrect. They are slimy and terrible. Meanwhile, mushrooms, olives and beets are a hat-trick of proof that things that grow out of the Earth are meant to make us happy. Get over here, you three. Get in my mouth.
You…don’t eat pizza? Pizza?! But like…you have taste buds, right? Pizza is universal. If humanity had a family crest, do you know what would be on it? Pizza. Do you know what one of the most common last meals is for prisoners on Death Row? Pizza. When aliens come down from outer space looking for some milestone of our culture with which to connect, I hope we give them pizza.
How can you not enjoy pizza?! I don’t…oh god, someone get the smelling salts, I’m about to pass out.