A Short, Non-Comprehensive List Of #BisexualProblems
1. Are you checking me out or do you like my outfit?
Sometimes you’re a girl and you’re so sure another girl is checking you out but it turns out she’s really she’s just judging your outfit. It’s hard to tell which is which. Even if she decides she likes what you’re wearing, that doesn’t mean she’s trying to lez you up. Proceed with caution. Same goes for gay or bi dudes checking out other dudes. Or straight dudes who appreciate a good fashion decision. It can be super disappointing when some girl does the up-and-down eyes at you but stops on your sparkly gold TOMs. Damn it, lady. My boobs are up here!
2. Am I checking you out or do I just like your outfit?
One time, a guy told me that the women other women found attractive always boggled his mind. Generally, he said, women were way more willing to forgive an “ugly” face if the girl was either thin or well-dressed. I don’t necessarily agree with this assessment. I’ve definitely seen both genders decide someone is pretty just because they’re thin and not because they have any attractive or interesting features. I’m also guilty of thinking: “Is that girl hot? Or is she just wearing a cute outfit?” I’m not sure if I want to hit on her or ask her where she bought her dress. By then, it’s always too late. She’s already seen me staring at her like a creep. Abort mission! Run away!
3. I can’t tell if you’re a guy or a girl but I think you’re hot anyway.
This happens to me pretty often so I’m thinking it must happen to a butt load of other people too. This isn’t so much a problem as it is awesome for people with fluid sexualities. No need for confusion here. I shrug and stop worrying about gender altogether. But er…What do straight people do?
4. “I didn’t misspeak. I said ‘my ex-girlfriend’ and ‘my current boyfriend.’”
Whenever I write personal essays about love or relationships, I wonder if people are confused or think I’m some kind of fake, composite character. I don’t like over-explaining what should be obvious but I’ve had people, in the comments here on Thought Catalog too, say, “But wait, why is she writing about LGBTQ issues when she has a boyfriend?” or “Why is she mentioning an ex-girlfriend when I know she dates a guy?” When this happens in real life, there’s always a (sometimes brief) flash of understanding that sweeps across the other person’s face. I call it “The Lightbulb.” After a few moments, they put it together that I didn’t misspeak and realize what the deal is. The lightbulb clicks on.
5. Um. Not sure which half of this couple I’m attracted to.
I know. I know. The easy answer here is the threesome. But! For when that’s not an option, or if that’s not something you’re interested in (because guess what! Not all bisexuals are down for that!), you’re gonna have to figure out which side of the duo is making your tongue wag. Hard to parse out sometimes. If you’re attracted to both, suck it up and creep on their PDAs from the corner of the room like a bridge troll. Then go home and jerk it about them later. Or you know, maybe leave that couple alone and admire them from afar like a fine Monet painting or well-crafted Rodin sculpture. Look. Don’t touch. Bummer.
6. “No, you don’t know that I’ll end up with a man.”
Oh man. Answering this accusation — innocent or malicious — makes my blood boil. Are you a fortune teller? How could you possibly know who anyone is going to “end up” with? Either someone says that to a bisexual woman because they can’t wrap their mind around a woman who might want dicks, not ending up with a dick — or because they’re ignorant of how presumptuous and heteronormative that is. If someone says this to a bisexual man, it’s about thinking any gay interaction means you are GAY 4EVER OMG.
Along those lines, “Are you really gay though?” is not a good question to ask a bisexual person. Even technology seems to be against us. Just now, while looking for a photo for this article, I went to Flickr Creative Commons and typed “bisexual” into search. Flickr Creative Commons replied, “Did you mean gay?”
No, I did not, Flickr Creative Commons. Jesus. Who are you? My mom?
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Answer phones better than anyone else has answered phones before. Relay messages so brilliant, they bring people to tears. Turn the coffee run into the choreography of Swan Lake. Become best friends with every intern and every underling and every taxi driver you encounter.
I remember taking the pen and notebook from that woman outside the courtroom, flipping to a clean page in the book, and writing, JESSICA IS SAD in big, bold, uncoordinated letters. “My sister is going to be a good writer someday! Look at how nice her lines are!”
To begin, I got totally screwed over in the dental genes department. I was born with a pretty severe overbite and a mouth that was too small.
If this doesn’t become the biggest video on the Internet, then I have no faith left in humanity.