Things I Would Do If My Name Were “Benedict Cumberbatch”
Benedict Cumberbatch is the star of the BBC show Sherlock and also of this one reoccurring dream I have where we ride unicorns off into the rainbow mist and make out under a shooting star.
The hilarious Meghan O’Keefe of the Huffington Post referred to this sweeping Cumberbatch panty-twisting fever as a full-on situation. It is. Tumblr can barely contain itself from gif-ing his every expression and witticism. We’re in the middle of a glorious Internet Cumberbatch revolution.
But more than the dulcet tones of his caramel voice or his razor sharp Tilda Swinton cheekbones, Benedict Cumberbatch has a really funny name. It’s memorable, it’s ridiculous, I can’t get enough of hearing it. Here are some things I would do, if Benedict Cumberbatch was my name:
- Open a trendy bakery called “Benedict’s Cumber-Batches of Crumpets.”
- Found an independent security firm called “The Cumberwatch.”
- Order a complicated coffee drink at Starbucks and give the poor barista my full name to call out.
- Tell people I was in Harry Potter…as myself.
- Yell my own name whenever I sneeze or say “Benedict Cumberbatch you” to someone else who’s sneezed.
- Name my firstborn child “Quidditch Cumberbatch.”
- Start a rumor that if you say my name three times in a row while looking into a darkened mirror, I show up at your house.
- Check out library books and write my name in all of them with a different year ranging from 1860 to present day.
- Whenever someone calls anything “cumbersome,” punch them in the face and yell, “Cumbersome? Cumber-all! Cumberbatch!”
- Instead of asking the time, walk around asking people what year it is. Then say, “Sorry. My name is Benedict Cumberbatch: Worldclass Time Traveler.” Then, run away flailing.
- Seal every envelope with the red wax seal of the Cumberbatch crest: an eagle holding a Union Jack in one hand and giving the middle finger with the other.
- Marry someone with the last name “Batchcumber” who wants to hyphenate.
- Insult people by calling them “a real Benedick Cumbersnatch.”
- Phone a big-time law firm and leave a very important, time sensitive message with an assistant. Hang up before I can spell my name for them.
- Become a chef specializing only in a specific type of breakfast eggs.
- Stab someone in the back and pretend I don’t understand the irony.
- Open a novelty store where I only sell Victorian era portraits with my own name scrawled across the faces in Comic Sans MS.
- Buy a pet falcon and name him “Benedict Cumberscratch.”
- Hook up with a stranger and refer to my own pubes as “The Benethick Cumberthatch.”
- Run for prime minister.
- Shout ‘YOU JUST GOT CUMBERBATCHED, BITCH’ whenever I win an argument.
- Become a famous actor. Force everyone to say my name all the time.
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