13 Things I Learned While Staying At A Jamaican Nudist Resort

First off, no I am not a swinger nor am I in an open relationship. Not that I have anything against either of those lifestyle choices, I just happen to be a happily married woman who enjoys going to nudist resorts with her husband. Most people mistakenly think that if you go to a nudist resort you must be sexual fiends without boundaries. I’ve found the exact opposite to be true. Nudist resort goers are normal people in an abnormal atmosphere.

The way that nudist resorts are portrayed is NOTHING like what you experience when you get there. I went in expecting my body to be judged like a beauty pageant contestant, watching people go at it like porn stars in every corner, and being stared at by guys who look like they would enjoy raping me.

None of that was true.

1. No one cares what you look like. Most people think that this can’t possibly be true, but it is. The first time I walked to the nude side of the resort I was terrified. All I could think about was “I’m about to strip naked, outside in the blaring sun, in front of strangers. What was I thinking allowing my husband to talk me into this? Everyone is going to stare! Suck in your gut and walk a little bowlegged… maybe it will seem like I have that magical ‘thigh gap’. Dear Lord, why didn’t I hit the gym the last 6 months? Why do I love cheese and carbs so much??!!” But you know what? Everyone else was too busy enjoying themselves to care about my self-esteem issues. No one pointed & laughed, no one tried to bleach their eyes because I was pudgy, and no one body-shamed me. It was like any other day on the beach…except that everyone forgot their clothes.
2. No one is THAT attractive. This is sort of an add-on to the last point but bears mentioning. Here is the best reason to go to a nudist resort in your 20s and 30s…these places have lots of people in their 40s and older. It’s seems that most people aren’t comfortable enough in their skin to do this sort of thing until later in life. There I was stressing that my stomach wobbles when I walk, when someone who looks like a shar-pei leather handbag came flouncing (that’s honestly how I would describe it) past me to the swim-up bar. That’s all it took. *Tosses clothes into the garbage and chases after Ms. Shar-pei* If you want to feel attractive naked, surround yourself with naked people decades older than yourself. Why wait until you are 40-50 years old to have this kind of fun when you look amazing in comparison now?
3. Being naked in the ocean is amazeballs. Basking in the water with the sun pouring over your skin is the most hedonistic feeling that you can imagine. Now, I’ve been skinny dipping dozens of times before, but that was usually at night in someone’s pool. It is so much better in the ocean during the day. Just once, you need to try it. (Also, there is something extra fun about waving to the passing boats & tourists while bobbing along naked on a float)
4. A lack of tan lines. Maybe you like tan lines, some people do, but personally it drives me crazy to have random skin resembling the underbelly of a fish clashing with my golden, sun-kissed limbs. Also, feeling the sun hitting your skin in places that don’t usually see the light of day is exhilarating. But do not, I repeat, DO NOT FORGET THE SUNSCREEN. Your sorry white ass will burn and you will regret your bad decision every time you have to sit.
5. Naked people are still just people. This is the less glamour side of nudist resorts. Being nude doesn’t mean people all of a sudden have manners, they are just without clothes. You would think that having your genitals on display would make one more likely to be considerate, but that is sadly not the case. My biggest pet-peeve was people sitting bare ass naked on chairs. Dude, use a towel. No one wants your genital juice all over the public seating. *gag*
6. Go to an all-inclusive. You know what makes wandering around naked in the sun even better?…floating up to the swim-up bar and drinking your face off for no extra charge. We went to a place that had 4 buffets a day (one of them at midnight), two restaurants, a couple grills, and bars everywhere. We didn’t pay an extra cent for any of that. Pizza at 2am on the beach? Sure. Endless grilled lobster tails and fresh shrimp scampi? Yes please. All the alcohol and delicious food you can physically stuff into your gaping maw? Help yourself.
7. The staff are the most helpful, friendly, and fun people in the world. The entertainment crew played volleyball in the pool with us, the wait staff knew us by name after just one meal, bar tenders remembered our favorite drinks, and everyone treated us like royalty. When we arrived we were greeted with cries of “Welcome home!” and glasses of champagne. They never rush you or make you feel like an inconvenience. The real surprise? No tipping allowed, and if they get caught accepting tips they get fired (personally, I don’t agree with this because I WANTED to tip these wonderful people). The entire staff was amazing without the possibility of being paid extra for it. Have fun finding that in the U.S. of A.
8. Getting out of your comfort zone is half the fun. Let’s think about it, we’re already naked, might as well see what other boundaries we can push. I had one of the entertainment staff use body paint on my chest and belly (she did an amazing job painting bright pink flowers on my boobs). The hubby and I had nude full-body massages on a raised patio by the sea with the wind softly blowing the sheer curtains around us. Magical. There was a talent show, nude volleyball, body shots, pop trivia at the pool, naked water slides, and endless hysterical nudity-based games by the entertainment staff all across the resort. Oh, and there was some dude wandering the beach offering “ganja”. Hey, while in Jamaica….
9. When you make friends, you feel like you’ve known them forever. You are meeting people nude (talk about letting it all out)! Look at it this way, you already have something in common that most of the public doesn’t…being nude around strangers. We met a great couple at the nude pool last time…we shared crazy sex stories over drinks in the pool/hot tub, went to dinner a few times, and laughed until we cried. We all became FaceBook friends and still chat about all sorts of mundane things. There’s something about the vulnerability of being naked that makes people feel connected quicker.
10. Sometimes public sex happens. Here’s the key though: You have the choice to be involved or not. This may not be the case at every nudist resort, but ours gets a little risqué…especially at the nude hot tub after midnight. It’s a bunch of naked people on vacation, filling themselves with alcohol and ganja, at a very hot tropical resort in the dark. Things happen, but no one judges you for joining or not and I’ve never seen someone try to force anyone else to get involved. There are plenty of opportunities for being an exhibitionist or voyeur (when done right… creepy staring single guys were asked to leave for a good reason), and lifestyle people also frequent these places, but you can easily avoid this situation if it doesn’t appeal to you. Again, while these places can be “lifestyle friendly” that is not the point of a nude resort, the point is to be free to be yourself and have nontraditional fun. They just leave it up to you to choose your level of personal “fun”. Want to get a little frisky with your partner outside on a beach? This is your place.
11. Sometimes you see doppelgangers naked. No joke, the first time I went to a nudist resort my husband and I rode up to the place with someone who could have been Mr. Bean’s twin. This man was obviously not Rowan Atkinson, as his accent was from another part of Europe, but there was something incredibly silly about seeing a naked Mr. Bean lookalike. He was uncircumcised if you were wondering, and walked right up to us with his “pride” swinging later that day. This was my first day ever at a nude resort and it made me giggle….but only on the inside (till I got home and told my friends).
12. Your friends and family may judge you. Some people hide the fact that they go to nude resorts for all sorts of reasons…religious, work, family, or even because they are ashamed. Others parade around with a sense of pride that they had the balls (or boobs) to be that daring. Personally, I don’t hide that I go but I also don’t announce it at work meetings. Remember that what you do there is your business and if you don’t want to share details you don’t have to. Many people were taking pictures in front of the resort next door to use as a cover-story. No one needs to know you were there. This is YOUR vacation.
13. Nudist resorts are addicting. So here you are, back from vacation. For a week you were catered to hand and foot. Meals were provided, drinks were poured, rooms were cleaned, and your only responsibility was remembering the sunscreen. Now you have to go back to work, deal with your family/friend drama, catch up with the household chores, and on top of all of that you have to put your damn pants back on??!! Ugh. Screw this. When can we go back again?