Dear Mr. Cusack,
As the new year of 2013 begins, I would like to take this time to say I’m a huge fan of your work. It’s sort of unhealthy but it’s not dangerous or anything.
When my head is shoved down the mouth of a young, sales and marketing rep who won’t get the hell off her phone when I told her to shut it down before treatment starts, I automatically think about you — John Cusack, the actor. When I’m unable to find the right words to say to a wealthy, white investment banker who declines scaling and root planing therapy (that’s when a white, wealthy investment banker has a gargantuan amount of tartar on his Starbucks-stained teeth) because he thinks it’s ‘too expensive,’ again, I think of you — John Cusack, the political progressive. Or, when one of my pediatric patients, who’s late for toddler soccer academy practice, vomits on me because I accidentally placed the radiograph film too far back in the little guy’s throat, I always think you — John Cusack, the writer.
Let me state for the record; I mean you no harm. I tend to get these permanent, yet completely innocuous crushes on politically progressive and humorous male actors/writers; if I may, my first crush set aside for Steven Colbert because he’s wittier than you but just marginally.
In any case, the profession of Dental Hygiene is in trouble, Mr. Cusack. See, there’s this really big, national entity, the American Dental Association, who gave out a heap of money to kill all efforts towards the successful creation of a dental therapist, or mid-level provider, in the Illinois congress. The poor and working poor of this state, along with all other states in our beloved nation, would benefit from these kinds of dental providers because folks like me would be willing to practice in rural areas to give needed dental care and be in a position to help the undeserved directly, one-on-one.
I suppose what I’m asking Mr. Cusack, is to have the honor of your John Cusack-y ‘aura’, that is John Cusack, to rally behind us dental hygienists, and tell the ADA to go fu– I mean, to stop being so… dentist-y. I can’t speak for other hygienists out there but I would settle for a simple internet response, a formal, hand-written letter, or even a life-size, cardboard cut-out of you portraying Craig Schwartz from Being John Malkovich in support. If you’re unable to commit in person I’ll just take the cardboard cut-out of you with me to my local legislator’s office for the next couple of months. That way, when they see you in board-form, they’ll know I’m important and have serious, celebrity clout behind me.
Mr. John Cusack, thank you for reading this call to action. I wish you the best of luck in your acting endeavors. And you know what? Flossing three to four days a week is better than zero.
E. M. Watson, RDH