Ethan Ryan

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Decimate my meatscape. Drown me in your honeyed voice. Drown me in a tub full of candy. Pour some high fructose corn syrup on me. Smother me with your heavenly body weight.

I believe I can fly. I believe I can touch the sky. It’s a serious delusion for which I should seek professional help before I jump off a tall building while flapping my wings.

Words are thoughts, and thoughts shape emotions. If you tell yourself you’re a bald ugly loser with a speckled egglike head, you’ll be right. If you tell yourself you’re a shiny baldheaded badass with an aerodynamic dome, you’ll be right, too.

lowercase is cool. you know what’s not cool? ALL CAPS. ALL CAPS IS INTENSE. ALL CAPS IS YOUR ALARM CLOCK WAKING YOU UP TOO EARLY IN THE MORNING. ALL CAPS IS AN ANGRY ROBOT. ALL CAPS IS HIGH BLOOD PRESSURE, INSOMNIA, STRESS. ALL CAPS IS YOUR ENEMY.

Life goes on without you. Time doesn’t pause. Students go to school. Workers go to work. Meals get prepared and eaten. Money exchanges hands. Jokes are told. TV shows broadcast new episodes. Gas tanks get filled. Dishwashers get emptied. Dogs bark. Cats nap. Birds sing in trees.

Comedian Mike Birbiglia once went sleeprunning out a second story window. He now sleeps in a sleeping bag with mittens on his hands so he can’t unzip his nightly cocoon. He has to protect himself from himself before nodding off.

My face has 43 muscles, 14 bones, one facial nerve, and about a square foot of skin. Two eyes, a nose, and a few moles. Occasional zits that come and go like unwanted houseguests. Styes on my eyelids if I don’t get enough sleep. Crows feet. Bugs Bunny buckteeth. Bushy brows. Prominent chin.

Sex robots have a lot of advantages over people. They won’t cheat on you, they won’t break your heart, they’re not needy, they never smell bad, and they’re always in the mood for sex.

Psychologists claim that clowns’ exaggerated features violate our basic idea of what people should look like. Since reading facial expressions is a social survival skill, our inability to read a clown’s emotions puts us on guard.