Thought Catalog
September 14, 2013

The 10 Most Important Questions Asked by Tai in ‘Clueless’

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Arguably one of the most quotable movies of our time, in Clueless, Cher Horowitz gets a lot of credit for her quips. A personal favorite of mine is “I’m having a Twin Peaks experience.” But we can’t discount Tai. She’s the reason I can no longer think about Marvin the Martian (why I’m thinking about him, I don’t know) without saying, “Get out of town, I can DO Marvin the Martian!” And, aside from her overuseage of the phrase “oh shit!” she’s probably best known for the worst/best burn of all times: “you’re a virgin who can’t drive” but she also asks some way existential questions throughout the movie.

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1. “It’s my hips, isn’t it?!”

Clueless
Clueless

Oh boy, do I feel you, Tai. Any girl with hips has thought this at one point or another. But guess what? It’s totally not your hips, Tai. Don’t worry.

2. “How do you know if you’re doing it sporadically?”

Cher is trying to help Tai with her “accent and vocabulary” so obviously Tai wants to absorb as much as possible. Her buns don’t feel nothing like steel but at least she now knows how to use to the word sporadically… kind of.

3. “What’s a Monet?”

Well done, Tai. The vernacular of Clueless is vast and we all need a little help sometimes. Tai has no qualms asking the difficult questions and getting the answer “from far away it’s okay but up close it’s a big old mess.”

4. “Cher, you’re a virgin?”

Clueless
Clueless

A very important question. We learned early on Tai is NOT a virgin and she’s already confused Cher doesn’t have a boyfriend. So it makes sense that Tai would be equally shocked that hottie Cher was a virgin! You’ve gotta find out everything about your new bestie.

5. “No shit! You guys got Coke here?”

Probably not the “herbal refreshment” Tai was originally asking for but still a valid question to ask. Who want to go to school somewhere without Coke? What if your school was Pepsi based?? * shudder *

6. “If I fall, would you guys, like, catch me?”

One of the greatest moments of movie history (totally true statement) is when Tai escorts those Barneys from the Foot Locker over to a railing in a mall and proceeds to SIT ATOP said TINY RAILING and then make sure to ask them if they’d catch her if she falls. Oh, Tai, you’re the most clueless of them all.

7. “What’s that?”

In relation to the Barneys, when Christian says she needs to get home for some “R&R” and she doesn’t know what that means. It’s a wonder poor Tai is able to get dressed in the mornings.

8. “Hello, don’t the slackers prefer that grassy knoll over there?”

Clueless
Clueless

*Slow clap* Tai has finally learned everything Cher initially wanted to teach her. THIS IS THE TURNING POINT, YOU GUYS. This bitchy question to Travis coupled with her near death experience shifts the balance of power away from Cher. Poor Cher, she created a monster.

9. “You think I’m a mentally challenged airhead?”

Well, Tai, I do sort of think that. But Cher doesn’t! She’s just crushing pretty hard on Josh and doesn’t want you honing in on her territory!

10. “If I’m too good for him then how come I’m not with him?”

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Clueless

I think every person alive has had this same thought. This is the pièce de résistance of Tai’s questions. How can you be too good for someone that you desperately want to be with? It’s impossible. But countless friends have told people this and we trick ourselves into believing it. Tai is way smart, you guys. TC mark