December 1, 2016

If You Can’t Say ‘Yes’ To These 10 Questions, You’re Settling

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What is the issue?
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1. Are you proud of them? You should feel a little urge to brag when the subject of them comes up — not the urge to complain about them or hide parts of them that you don’t think are ideal. If you don’t admire them, you shouldn’t be with them.

2. If you were in a major accident, do you know without hesitation that your partner would be there to nurse you back to health? It’s easy to have a great relationship when you’re young and healthy and nothing bad has happened to you in life yet, but you need to be confident that they’ll be good during the dark times too. Could you count on them to help you use the bathroom if you had knee surgery and couldn’t sit/stand easily?

3. Do they fight with both your interests in mind? Or do they selfishly push their own agenda, as if they lose by letting you have something they way you want it? A good relationship is a good team, and if you’re fighting against each other instead of with each other neither of you is going to be happy.

4. Can you say where the two of you stand? You deserve someone who isn’t afraid to define the relationship. They need to be open with you about their intentions and where they are at, not keep you waiting for whatever scraps of a relationship they’ll allow you to have.

5. Are you able to tell them when they do something that annoys you? When you’re not secure in a relationship, you hold back. You don’t want to be annoying or a burden so you let things build up. In a good relationship, you don’t have to share about every little thing that you don’t like, but you should be comfortable pointing out the things that matter.

6. Do they fundamentally like you as a person? They can’t be waiting for some future change in order to love you — or worse, settling themselves. They have to love you as you are, they way you your best friend.

7. Does the distribution of chores feel equal? I’m not just talking about housework. Even if you don’t live together there are unpleasant tasks that need to be done in every relationship like organizing vacation details, planning dates, cooking meals, and figuring out how you’ll spend holidays.

8. If you had to start over, would you pick them again? It’s easy to give a quick ‘yes’ to this question, but really spend time thinking about it. This will help you determine whether you’re with them out of ease and habit, or whether you actively want them in your future.

9. Are you happier now than you were at the beginning of the relationship? External circumstances aside, the whole point of being with someone is that they add something to your life. If you’re not happier with them than you were on your own, that’s a pretty big red flag.

10. Would you be happy for your hypothetical future children if they ended up in a similar relationship? Sometimes we’re harder on ourselves than we are on others. Think of someone you love and want the best for and consider whether you’d be ecstatic (or disappointed) if they ended up in a similar relationship. If it’s not good enough for them, it’s not good enough for you. TC mark

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