When people ask why I keep running back to you, I can’t provide any tangible answer. That’s because what lies between us is so far from anything that can be listed out like good qualities, stable job, sweet nothings or little gifts.
It’s not concrete and it never will be, but there lies the comfort. What we have is an energy. Not a unique one I might add, since we never reach exclusivity. Again, therein lies the comfort. Solely energy. Rawness and honesty. No future, only a past and for me, a procrastination of our present.
I promised myself I was done writing about you. I promised you I’d write nothing but good things about you. These are the only promises I’ve made you, but I am making one more. I promise I will never resent you.
I’m done trying to control everything or justifying you to anyone else. It’s exhausting. I know we are nothing more than what we are, but what we are is enough. I’m not supposed to “fall prey” to that though. Lack of exclusivity and a label is supposed to be shunned despite our age.
Honestly, what makes me sad is not the thought of losing you for good. It’s this sad picture I’ve made for myself in my mind where we both run into each other at a grocery store, years from now, both married to someone else. Behind our gaze is not regret as some might think, no “we should have been” lingering thoughts, but rather a recognition that something so simple and so sweet remains a thing of the past.
We might be happily married; we might also wish for one more time.
I surrender to our timeline. Just one more time, we can free ourselves of our burdens and lie in a bed of honesty, free of judgments, free of a tomorrow. I won’t ask for commitment, I won’t ask for you to stay, I won’t mind if you only exist to me beneath a screen every once in a while.
The only thing I will ever ask of you is a simple promise of one more time.