November 30, 2016

I Wish You Made It Easier For Me To Hate You

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What is the issue?
clairewinterphotography
clairewinterphotography

I’m the type of girl who would never allow someone to treat me less than I deserve. This is why I have stayed.

I wish you have stayed too. But the way you left said so much about us, about you.

Us was the most beautiful thing I have ever experienced. With you, I have experienced how exhilarating and hopeful young love is. You loved me enough that I wasn’t scared of being raw. You loved me enough that I was confident enough you’ll never let go. You loved me enough to make me feel worthy, not because I’m pretty but because I just am.

You have always made it easier for me when the road gets rocky. I wish you made it too far and you made me really hate you first- before you gave up and left.

But you have convinced me that you will be the greatest love I’ll ever have. And other love will be irrelevant and I’ll just continue my life settling.

You could have cheated. You could have cheated and I will be left with no choice but to block you on all social media sites and forgot we existed. I could delete all our pictures. I could convince myself that all that our happy memories are invalid- because you are a pathological liar and a hoax. But you are not. We are not.

You could have turned out a worst nightmare. You could have been a lazy guy with bad intentions. You could have been really stupid. You could have been all these crazy things that is up to no good, and I will just have to leave in a snap. You’ve just made it more difficult to move on because you are not.

The way you left has given me a lot of questions and not enough answers.

You did not give me the rage when you gave up. You have given me the disappointments and the false hopes. You have given me uncertainty and limitations.

There are days where I would wake up happy and spend the days without a thought of you. But then there are nights where I just imagine if what would happen if you showed up and decided to stay- and how I’ll just accept you and put all the pain I’ve felt under a rug.

You could have said that we were the worst and we’re a trainwreck waiting to happen. It could have been more than ‘it didn’t workout’ but “it didn’t workout because…”

You could have given me so many reasons to resent you so it will be easier for me to accept what happened and move on.

I just wish I could bring myself to hate you, and this pain won’t feel like a slow burn. TC mark

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