September 19, 2016

99 Telltale Signs You’re Dealing With A Grade-A Fuckboy

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What is the issue?
That Awkward Moment
That Awkward Moment

1. No job. His fuck-around lifestyle is mysteriously funded.

2. No car. TLC laid it down for us years ago ladies… “hanging out your best friends ride in the passenger side trying to holler at me.”

3. But he’s at the bars every night?? How does someone who works so little have an unlimited bar tab? Oh wait, he’s never the one paying for drinks.

4. Something is always wrong with his cell phone or he doesn’t have one.

5. He has a reputation. You know what his penis looks like and you haven’t even seen it.

6. You know what his penis looks like and you wished you didn’t.

7. Wears a condom that he reallyyyyyyy didn’t want to put on, that you provided.

8. He slept in and now he needs a ride home.

9. He accuses you of stealing his $5 Wal-Mart t-shirt that he can’t find.

10. Says he’s texting his mom when he’s Tindering.

11. Says he needs to use your phone to call his mom when really it’s his drug dealer.

12. You know his ex-gf because she’s messaging you on FB claiming to still be his gf… wait… damn it Fuckboy.

13. He’s drinking a beer in his FB Profile Pic.

14. He posts pictures of cars frequently.

15. He friend requested your best friend before defining your relationship.

16. He’s been in some type of legal trouble which he claims zero responsibility for.

17. His ex (or current) girlfriend hates him and is bat-shit crazy.

18. He’s always asking for something while giving nothing in return.

19. He’s posted a Facebook status along the lines of “If you believe any of this bullshit going around about me come fucking see me,” or “I can’t fucking believe my baby-mama…”

20. You’ve seen him in a fight or physical altercation at a bar, aka the fuckboy watering hole.

21. He’s posted a shirtless picture on IG.

22. He degrades the appearance of women and talks about them with disrespect.

23. He will literally fuck anything that moves… regardless of his relationship status.

24. He only ever wants to hang out in low-commitment environments aka watching Netflix or drinking a beer at his place.

25. He pressures women for sex because he feels like he deserves it.

26. He complains when people discuss politics because he’s not registered to vote and/or a felon.

27. He swears he will “pay you back tomorrow.”

28. Begs to play a song, it’s probably from his EP that’s coming out ~ super soon. ~

29. Shows up to social gatherings empty-handed (aside from the minis he has in his pocket for himself.)

30. Constantly talks about things he’s “gonna” do without making even the slightest attempt to fulfill his dreams or ambitions.

31. Exclusively hits you up between the hours of 2am-5am.

32. “I don’t have the Uber app.”

33. When you go out to eat he orders the most and pays the least. Never pays tip or tax.

34. Calls his ex “a bitch.”

35. Calls his mom “a bitch.”

36. Brags about accomplishments from ten years ago, e.g. he was the quarterback, he was the Prom King or he got suspended for an entire year! (Akin to a fuckboy medal of honor.)

37. Invites you over to watch him play video games. (During which he repeatedly cusses and throws the controller down…he’s playing against 10-year-olds.)

38. Is ALWAYS on his phone. Looks at his phone and says “SHIT!” frequently without explanation.

39. Messages multiple girls on Facebook: “Hey ;)”

40. Uses his children and/or pets as a ploy for attention from the opposite sex.

41. Needs to borrow a cigarette.

42. Wants to cum on your face.

43. Begs you for nudes on Snapchat.

44. He mildly insults you while complimenting you. E.g. “I didn’t mean to swipe right but I’m glad I did.” or “You’re a 8/10.” Classic fuckboy fuckery = rating/judging women on a scale in an attempt to make them feel inferior. Don’t listen to this bullshit.

45. He ONLY talks about himself and has no clue where you’re from or who you even are.

46. He’s flakier than a Pillsbury Buttermilk.

47. Rich Homie Quan is his IDOL.

48. Tries to hook-up with the drunkest girl at the bar (who he probably encouraged to get drunk by feeding her shots off his friend’s tab.)

49. Has destroyed public/federal property in some capacity whilst drunk/and/or sober.

50. Pretends he’s interested in a relationship when really all he wants is sex.

51. Every time you see him he’s doing some fuck-around-shit e.g. getting wasted, banging a chick, selling weed, playing video games… nothing of productive value whatsoever.

52. He’s called you the wrong name before.

53. Frequently starts texting and/or IRL conversations with “Yooooooo.”

54. Been fired from a job in the past year.

55. Becomes agitated when people mention credit scores, college or mortgages and will respond with something along the lines of “Fuck all dat,” or “My dick has solid credit.”

56. Always down for a scheme to get free shit. He’ll spend days sampling the free shit at Costco without buying anything. (Wait, how did he get in here?) Free Beer at the neighbors BBQ? He’s there and he’s taking it to-go. Free Slurpee Day at 7/11? He got five.

57. He lied about his age on Tinder so he could bang younger chicks.

58. He sports a man-bun and it makes him kind of hot and less white trash than when he used to wear it all down. Fuckboy check: YOU ARE NOT TARZAN, YOU JUST HATE PAYING FOR HAIR CUTS.

59. Had an illegitimate child that he won’t take responsibility for, calls the baby mama “crazy” and says they “never even banged.”

60. Swears the blister on his lip and/or penis isn’t herpes.

61. Blames his messy apartment on his roommate (s) /and/or parents.

62. Ask him what he got his mom for Mother’s Day. If his response starts with an “n-o,” and finishes in some lame excuse about how he will take her out to dinner… FUCKBOY.

63. The day anyone hears him apologize will be the day when he actually gets off his fuck-couch and starts being a man.

64. He doesn’t introduce you to anyone, even as a friend he’s hanging out with. It becomes quite humiliating when you go to bars, restaurants or social gatherings with him.

65. Hits on chicks who his friends like/or are dating and tries to fuck them. Also becomes angered when chicks go for his friends instead of him. Anyone who won’t fuck him is damaging to his precious ego therefore he lashes out against both parties involved.

66. If he does you any type of favor or decent human courtesy, he makes sure you feel like you owe him. No matter how small or how long you’ve been friends, he’s throwing that shit in your face every time he sees you. And now you’re buying him a drink…

67. He tried to add you on Snap before he tried to get your phone number.

68. He just got your phone number so he could add you on Snapchat.

69. When he invites you out, he makes sure to clearly say some shit like, “Let’s go out for drinks, not on a date or anything.” That’s some mother fucking fuckery right there.

70. He’s overly concerned with the bar specials for the evening because he only has $10 in his account and wants to make the most of dollar beer night. (Don’t worry, he’s going to have 10 beers and he’s not worried about the tip. You got that, right?)

71. He carries around business cards for a place he doesn’t work anymore and furiously scratches off and re-writes his phone number when he’s trying to pick up tang, whilst explaining how he’s waiting on “new cards to come in.”

72. Baits you and other people around him into commenting on his fresh kicks or new fitted hat. (But his electric is about to be shut off.)

73. Tries to say he “knows the owner” so he can score free shit from a local establishment.

74. He ignores half of what anyone says because he’s too busy thinking about what kind of bullshit he’s going to lie about next.

75. Frequently says things like “Lets go smoke a blunt,” but never has any weed.

76. He’s like the town dumpster. Anything you don’t want, take it to his place. He’ll take it even if he doesn’t need it and try to make a quick buck off it. (HE LOVES FREE SHIT)

77. His refrigerator contains half drank beers, full beers and soggy chicken nuggets from two weeks ago that he wouldn’t let his friends eat because he’s an egotistical bastard and chicken nuggets are life to him and he threatened to murder anyone who touched them.

78. He’s never folded his laundry, just be thankful that he did it.

79. If he can’t keep it up it’s DEFINITELY not his fault. It’s the condom, the whiskey or something that YOU are doing wrong. But not his fault at all. Fuckboy Fakery. He’s probably been drunk since noon.

80. Leaves condoms all over the place instead of disposing of them properly in the toilet or trash can.

81. Becomes aggressive when the bartender tells him he’s had too much to drink.

82. Instead of asking for head, he pushes your head down toward his dick.

83. Tries to grind on you in the club without warning or permission.

84. Actively searches for ways to bring the conversation back to himself.

85. Ignores you when he randomly sees you in public because he wants to scam on as many bitches as possible.

86. Private snaps you ALL the time even though he has a gf and you guys don’t talk.

87. Claims he’s breaking up with his girlfriend, claims he’s “separated.” (Always bullshit.)

88. Screenshots your selfies on Snap and profusely denies it. Says your phone must be fucking up and making up some bullshit about how his phone ‘always fucks up.’

89. Asks for anal sex. If we want you to do that, we’ll ask you.

90. Is part of a “group” on Tinder. What’s worse than a fuckboy? When they unite.

91. Has a poster on his wall of some half-naked bitches, he’s nicknamed them and is remotely more attached to them than any other female in his life.

92. Totally freaks out whenever anyone steps on his shoes. IDGAF if they’re Jordans, chill tf out and don’t wear them on your feet if they mean that much to you.

93. Likes every single picture of every girl ever on Facebook because he’s “trying to keep his options open.” Scum bag.

94. Snapchats himself driving and singing. Fuck-boy-sing-a-longs garner the fuckboy attention and reveal his talented side, like a fuckerous modern day mating call.

95. He openly and publicly announces his sexual exploits with various women.

96. He thinks his landlord is joking when he comes home to an eviction notice on his door.

97. He thinks poor hygiene can be resolved with a little axe spray.

98. Other fuckboys have called him a fuckboy.

99. He denies being a fuckboy. TC mark

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