November 30, 2016

60 Hilariously Awful G-Rated Jokes That Are Guaranteed To Get A Groan Or A Laugh Out Of You

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via Unsplash - Brooke Cagle
via Unsplash – Brooke Cagle

1.

There’s a cop on the side of the road, checking for speeders. Car flies by, cop sees 12 penguins in the back of the car. Cop hits his sirens and pulls the guy over.

Runs up to the window. “What are you doing with 12 penguins in the back of your car!?!?!”

The guy says “…I dunno…”

Cop replies “Well I think you should bring those penguins to the zoo!!!”

“OK” the guy replies.

Next day, cop on the side of the road again. Same car flies by, 12 PENGUINS in the back of the car!! Cop hits the sirens, pulls the guy over, runs up to his window.

“I THOUGHT I TOLD YOU TO BRING THOSE PENGUINS TO THE ZOO!!!”

Guy replies “I ALREADY DID!!! AND NOW WE’RE GOING TO THE MOVIES!”

2.

So the pope is SUPER early for his flight. He asks his driver on his way to the airport if he could drive around for a while because they have time to kill and he hasn’t driven a car since becoming the pope. Naturally he’s a bit rusty so he’s driving poorly when suddenly he sees police lights behind him. He pulls over and when the officer comes up to the window his eyes go wiiiide. He says to the pope “Hold on for a minute” and he goes back to his car to radio the chief.

Cop: “Chief we have a situation. I’ve pulled over an important figure.”

Chief: “How important? A governor or something?”

Cop: “No sir. He’s bigger.”

Chief: “So, what? a celebrity or something?”

Cop: “More important, sir.”

Chief: “A major politician?

Cop: “No sir, he’s much more important.”

Chief: “WELL WHO IS IT!?”

Cop: “Well actually I’m not sure. But the pope’s his driver.”

3.

One day, Einstein has to give a conference to all the big guys in science. On the way there, he tells his driver that looks a bit like him :

“I’m sick of all this conferences, I always say the same things over and over!”

The drivers agrees, “You’re right, as your driver I attended all of them, and even though I don’t know anything about science, I could give the conference at your place.”

“That’s a great idea!” says Einstein, “lets switch places then!”

So they switch clothes and as soon as they arrive, the driver dressed as Einstein go on stage and starts giving the usual speech, while the real Einstein, dressed as the car driver, attends it.

But in the crowd, there was one scientist who wanted to impress everyone and thought of a very difficult question to ask Einstein, hoping he wouldn’t be able to respond. So this guy stands up and interrupt the conference by posing his very difficult question. The whole room goes silent, holding their breath, waiting for the response.

The driver looks at him, dead in the eye and says, “Sir, your question is so easy to answer that I’m going to let my driver reply to it for me.”

4.

Person One: “Is there a hole in your shoe?”

Person Two: “No.”

Person One: “Then how’d you get your foot in it?”

5.

Person One: “I’ll bet you a dollar I can tell you where you got your shoes.”

Person Two: “I’ll take that bet.”

Person One: “On your feet!”

6.

Plateaus are the highest form of flattery.

7.

A Mexican magician says that he’ll disappear on the count of three.

“Uno… dos…” POOF!

He disappeared without a tres.

8.

People say they’re worried that my friend is doing his disappearing act too much. But I know it’s just a stage he’s going through.

9.

A game warden catches an unlicensed fisherman in the act.

“You’re going to pay a big fine for all those fish in your bucket.”

“But, officer, I didn’t catch these — they are my pet fish and I just bring them here to swim. When they’re done they jump back into the bucket.”

“Oh really? This I’ve got to see. If you can prove it, I’ll let you go.”

The fisherman empties the bucket into the lake and waits patiently. A few minutes go by and nothing happens.

Game warden: “So where are the fish?”

Fisherman: “What fish?”

10.

What’s orange and sounds like a parrot?

A carrot.

11.

What is E.T short for ?

He has really small legs.

12.

Why does the chicken coop only have two doors? —if it had four it would be a chicken sedan.

13.

Have you ever tried to eat a clock? Its very time consuming.

14.

Q: What’s the difference between a hippo and a Zippo?

A: One is very heavy, and the other is a little lighter.

15.

What do you call a sleepwalking nun?

A roamin’ catholic.

16.

Two cows are grazing in a pasture. One cow turns to the other and says, “What do you think about this mad cow disease?”

The other cow responds: “Doesn’t bother me. I’m a chicken.”

17.

Two cannibals are eating a clown. One turns to the the other and asks, “Does this taste funny to you?”

18.

A magician was driving down a street, and then he turned into a driveway.

19.

Mr. Smith, a very wealthy man, is in town on business and towards the end of his trip he decides to take a walk on the docks and take in the ocean view.

As he’s walking he comes up on a young boy, maybe 12 years old, crying on the edge of the dock. Mr. Smith hesitates but decides to ask what’s wrong.

“Excuse me, Son? Why are you crying?” He asks gently.

The boy wipes away his tears and replies, “Oh, there’s just a lot of things going wrong in my life right now. I’m sorry if I bothered you.”

Mr. Smith takes note of the boy’s politeness, “Is there anything I can do to help? Why don’t you tell me what’s going on…”

With that the boy breaks down and sobs. He starts going on and on about his troubles. His mother is dying of cancer and can’t work. They can’t afford the medicine to manage her symptoms. They haven’t eaten in days. Not even an hour ago the boy had been caught dumpster diving behind a restaurant for food and was caned by the owner. He tried to go home to his mother but when he got there he saw an eviction notice on the door and he just couldn’t bring himself to go inside and give her the news. Everything was just falling apart and he couldn’t take it. “So I came here and just cried,” he finished.

Mr. Smith was shocked. Of all the people he could have encountered he encountered this boy. He could solve this boy’s problems with a single check. But Mr. Smith was a firm believer in earning what you got no matter what it was. As the boy continued to cry, Mr. Smith looked out to the water…

“Son,” Mr. Smith began, “What’s your name?”

“My name is Johnny,” the boy said.

“Johnny, you see that ship out there,” he said gesturing to a ship about a mile out from the dock, “I’ll make you a deal. If you can swim out to that ship, climb up the mast and wave to me I will write you a check for one million dollars.”

Johnny was awestruck. “You really mean it?”

“Absolutely.” Mr. Smith confirmed.

Johnny dove into the water without a word and swam like a madman. Mr. Smith watched with a smile on his face but his smile faded when Johnny turned around and came back. When Johnny reached the dock he explained he got too tired too quickly and knew he wouldn’t make it.

“Well that’s ok, Johnny. Tomorrow let’s meet here, same time, and you can try again.”

The next day they met and Johnny tried but once again he got fatigued and had to turn back. Mr. Smith asked him if he’d eaten anything and Johnny told him he hadn’t. With that, Mr. Smith gave him some money for a small meal and told him tomorrow was his last day in town so if he was going to succeed it had to be then.

The next day Mr. Smith arrived and Johnny was waiting at the dock with a smile on his face. “You all fed and ready?” Mr. Smith asked.

“Yes, Sir” said Johnny. And Johnny dove into the water. This time he was swimming a bit slower. He seemed to be pacing himself.

Mr. Smith watched Johnny get further and further and his smile grew and grew. What a perfect end to a perfect trip. He was going to make a difference in this boy’s life.

Johnny made it to the ship. Mr. Smith watched him climb up the mast. Johnny held on with one hand and reached the other out and started to wave victoriously but suddenly he lost his grip! Johnny slipped and fell from the top of the mast all the way down to the ship below with a loud thud that echoed in the distance…

But Johnny was ok, know why?

He was used to hardships.

20.

A blind guy walks into a store and starts swinging his seeing eye dog around his head. An employee comes over and nervously asks if he can help. The blind guy replies “No thanks. I’m just looking around.”

21.

So, a guy walks into a Mexican restaurant and takes a seat. Before he gets to order a his food, the bowl of tortilla chips in front of him says “Hey, you’re a handsome fellow.”

The man tries to ignore the chips and orders a soda. The chips says “Ooooh that drink is delicious. Great choice. You’re a very smart man.”

Starting to freak out, the guy says to the waiter “Hey what the heck, this bowl of chips keeps saying nice things to me!”

Waiter says “Don’t worry about it, the tortilla chips are complimentary.”

22.

Two atoms are walking down the street together. The first atom turns and says, “Hey, you just stole an electron from me!”

“Are you sure?” asks the second atom.

To which the first atom replies, “Yeah, I’m positive!”

23.

Where does the general keep his armies? In his sleevies!

24.

How does Hitler tie his shoesies? With little knotsies!

25.

What did the pirate say on his 80th birthday?

Aye ‘maighty!

26.

How do you find Will Smith in the snow?

You look for the fresh prints.

27.

Two termites walk into a bar and ask “Is the bar tender here?”

28.

A tiger walks into a bar.

Bartender: “What’ll you have?”

Tiger: “I’ll have a Jack and………………………………………………………………………………………….. Coke.”

Bartender: “What’s with the big pause?”

Tiger: I was born with ’em!