Disgruntled Cover Letters To Actual Job Openings
Floral Delivery for Valentine’s Day (Boston Suburbs)
To Whom It May Concern:
I am miserable and alone. My therapist advised me to confront my fears head-on, so I wish to deliver flowers on Valentine’s Day and stare my cold, dead eyes into the face of Eros. It’ll be good for me. I shall not weep, but rejoice at my pain.
I do not own a vehicle, but Satan is loaning me his chariot for the day.
You know how to reach me.
Be a Surrogate Mother (MA)
I have always dreamed of becoming a surrogate mother — of helping out my fellow brothers and sisters in humanity, of giving the gifts of love and life to those in need. In fact, I have dedicated my life to achieving this one goal.
However, every time I try to fulfill this lifelong dream, do you know what I hear? “Sorry, Sir, but you’re a man. It’s not physically possible. Blah blah blah.” Every. Time.
This is 2013. The movie Junior was made in 1994. Are you seriously telling me we don’t have this technology yet? That’s a load of crap right there. We’re sending a team of astronauts to Mars, but we still can’t GROW A PERSON INSIDE OF ME?! WHAT KIND OF MAD WORLD DO WE LIVE IN???
You know what, fertility clinics? I see right through your B.S. You can do it; you just don’t want to. It’s because I’m fat, isn’t it? OHH, I’M SO SORRY. LET ME GET BRAD PITT ON THE PHONE FOR YOU.
Anyway, if your clinic is interested, I would love this opportunity. My contact information is attached.
I would love to shovel for you, but I can’t start until June 15th. Will this be a problem?
Experienced Front Desk (North Andover)
I AM A DESK, BUT I DO NOT HAVE ANY EXPERIENCE IN A PUBLIC OFFICE ENVIRONMENT. I CURRENTLY RESIDE IN A DEN.
I ASK THIS: WHY WOULD A DESK NEED EXPERIENCE TO BE A DESK? I JUST AM WHAT I AM: MADE FROM THE FINEST CHERRY WOOD, RECENTLY DOUBLE-COATED WITH A VERY HIGH-QUALITY BEESWAX WOOD POLISH.
MY CHAIR FRIEND IS ALSO IN ON THIS DEAL, IF YOU WILL JUST GIVE US A CHANCE.
WE EAGERLY AWAIT YOUR DECISION.
Private Music Lesson Positions Available! (Boston)
You are looking for instructors in the following areas: Voice, Piano, Guitar, Bass Guitar, Drums, Violin. Does this mean you do not need any Conch instructors?
The Conch is an historic instrument that adequately represents virtues of Royalty, Honor, and Masculinity. Only the best endeavor to learn it; only the finest teach it. Let’s just say that I am very good at what I do. You will not be disappointed.
I charge $4000 per fifteen minutes — the standard length for a Conch lesson, since the instrument bleeds Heaven itself into the player and the experience becomes overwhelming very quickly.
I pass the Conch to you and await your response.
For more disgruntled (or sarcastic or inconvenient) cover letters — or to submit your own — visit disgruntledcoverletters.tumblr.com.
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You break it to them as softly as can. They immediately beg you to stay.
As much as I appreciate someone telling me to keep my chin up when going through a hard time, I’m fairly certain I’d rather them let me punch dance out my rage in their backyard.
At their biological core, men are ruled by sexuality. They identify potential mates using their eyes first, while women take a more complicated approach.
You probably thought I was going to recommend Orange Is The New Black but I’m not.