6 Songs For 6 Ex-Lovers
By Emma Koza
Loveless by Said The Whale
[youtube http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_oSyfW7Ci1E&w=584&h=390]
You were my first real relationship and I think I let the excitement of having a relationship cloud my judgment. I loved having you, but I never loved you. It wasn’t that I used you — I mean, I guess I did but it was never my intention to. I never wanted to lead you on or hurt you It’s a trite expression but it holds a lot of truth in the story of our breakup: it wasn’t you, it was me. Fooling myself and making myself love you became exhausting and I couldn’t do it anymore. I am sorry, you didn’t deserve that and I didn’t deserve you. The irony here is none of the ones that followed you, not even the one I really loved, never treated me as well as you did.
Your Ex-Lover Is Dead by Stars
[youtube http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=r5Or6-HOveg&w=584&h=390]
Our relationship was a lot of give and take, with me always giving and you always taking. You meant the world to me. You knew that. I meant very little to you in return. You knew that too but I didn’t. It took two years before I figured it out. It wasn’t healthy for me to keep you in my life because as long as you were around you were everything. Going off to different universities meant living in different cities which meant removing you from my life was as easy as removing your number. But even still that didn’t really work. Whenever I accomplished something I thought of you, what you would say, what you would think. And it was the same when I did something wrong.
I found your number once. I was going to reach out; it had been three years since we last spoke. I wanted to apologize for freezing you out, I wanted to tell you it was immature and I wanted to show you that I had changed: that I had grown up and that maybe now I was someone you could love. Then I realized that it has been three years and not once did you try to reach me, so I lost your number again and this time with it, your ghost. I guess this means I really have changed.
You were the one I did love.
Somebody by Hannah Georgas
[youtube http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qwUQgHiUiYA&w=584&h=390]
You weren’t the first person I cared about, and you weren’t the first person I slept with, but you were the first person I slept with who didn’t care about me. I let you into my life, my heart, and late that night into my bedroom. It was still dark when you left. You thought I was asleep. I wasn’t. I thought you were a good person. You aren’t.
We pass each other from time to time and you avert your eyes and pretend not to see me, I guess you feel guilty. You should. You are solely responsible for all of the insecurities I have now surrounding dating and sex, and all of the proverbial walls I have built up around my brain or heart.
I am getting better though.
The Ballad of RAA by Rural Alberta Advantage
[youtube http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SEOGFaajLtE&w=584&h=390]
In many ways, I think it’s harder to be the dumper than the dumpee. At least it was this way with you. I am sorry if I broke your heart but truly I don’t believe that I did. That was not love. You wanted to own me more than you wanted to be with me. I tried more than once that summer to end things with you but you would never really let me. Maybe that’s on me. Maybe I’m afraid of emotions. It frightened me to see that I could make someone so angry — especially someone who I did still care about even if it was no longer in that way. I know it was wrong of me to end things the way I did. I stepped back and allowed the distance to creep in between us, driving a big enough wedge between us big enough for you to see.
I want to apologize to you because that was immature and so, so wrong. I did not treat you with any respect at all, I am sorry. I was young — we were young. I couldn’t give you an answer; We just weren’t right together; We fought too much; I wanted to hang out with my friends and you kept me from them; You suffocated me; I never really loved you.
Lightshow by Plants and Animals
[youtube http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EhJvSw99G1E&w=584&h=390]
I really liked you. Like, I really liked you. It had been a while before I felt something that deep and I was ready to accept that I’d have to wait a while longer. I was in a good place actually; I was happy. The first time I wasn’t looking for love it found me. You found me. I loved the way you looked at the world. You approached everything with such intent and passion and you could find joy in even the most mundane things. You were a true romantic. Being around you was exciting and thrilling. I wanted a relationship. You didn’t. Not wanting to lose you and miss out on the adventure, I suggested we stay friends. We are friends now, sort of. I don’t think it’s doing me any good. Maybe one day, I’ll be able to say goodbye for good but I think by then I’ll also be capable of being your real friend.
Come Back by Born Ruffians
[youtube http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=48yJrHkCAxg&w=584&h=390]
By the time you came in, I had learned a lot. But more importantly I knew a lot about you. So when you slept with someone else just hours after kissing me good night on our second date, I shouldn’t have been so surprised. I wasn’t surprised by your actions: I knew you were bad news. I knew you would never treat me right. I knew what happened between us would never be real. I was mostly surprised by how much I yearned for something real so badly that I was willing to compromise common interests and chemistry for cool tattoos and a drum kit. I think I learned the most from you, though, so I guess I owe you a ‘thank you’.
Heartbeats Accelerating by Coeur De Pirate
[youtube http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=op_eJnB5dsQ&w=584&h=390]
You, I’ve got a good feeling about. I don’t know you yet; I don’t know anything about you. Technically you don’t exist yet, not to me anyway, so the possibilities are endless. I’m not going to start making predictions. I deserve a surprise. The others have taught me a lot and I know more about who I am what I want and what I’m able to give. I know now that my actions can sometimes have negative consequences and so I’ll take responsibility for what I do. I promise to be honest with both you and myself.
I just want you to please stay the night.