Everyone strives for love. It is universal and when you are in it, it is an indescribable feeling. People date, break up and move on all the time but sometimes until you are experiencing it first-hand it isn’t as simple.
I’ve been in love once in my life. It was short yet passionate.
We did everything together… we were the couple in college that everyone was jealous of. He seemed more interested in me than I was in him which made me feel a sense of security in our relationship. Everything was going great until I was broken up with out of nowhere. I was given the it’s not you, it’s me speech and was told that he looked at me as a friend rather than a girlfriend.
Suddenly I was lost, I loved him more than I did myself and I didn’t know how I was going to be able to cope without my best friend. Friends will sit with you and listen to you sob and tell you that you’re going to get over it, but in that moment it seems impossible.
For most people that would have been the end but I didn’t give up. He wanted to have me in his life as a friend, and I was scared to cope with the sadness of not having him around so I accepted his proposal. We would hang out as “friends”, occasionally hook up and then I would find myself confused as to why he didn’t want to commit to a relationship with me since he broke up with me because he looked to me as a “friend”.
This was a constant cycle for over two years. Everyone around me was sick of our drama and couldn’t grasp the reason as to why I would hold onto him. He was my best friend. I would justify my behavior as that I would be more miserable without him than I would be with him. Looking back that was the stupidest thing I have ever said.
I never allowed myself to grieve the break up.
He strung me along and made me feel like I wasn’t good enough for him to commit. He would call me names, and I would justify it and get over it because I didn’t want to lose him.
It is until now, over a year since we last broke up that I get it. People always asked me “why aren’t you over it yet, it’s been so long” and I get it… if I was my friend, I would be asking myself the same thing. But this is what people don’t understand: there is no timeline when getting over someone. Everyone’s hearts are different and people are better at shutting people out than others. I am the type of person who hates losing people who were once a huge part of my life. I wish it was different but that’s just who I am and that’s okay.
I still run into this guy from time to time and I can honestly say that I still get sad when I do. Not because I’m not over our relationship but because I miss him as a huge role in my life. He was my person and someone I truly loved and I think it’s okay for me to feel that way.
Even though I miss him in my life, he has a negative energy and someone who I would not benefit from, and that is something that I don’t have to get over. No matter what anyone tells me, I do not have to get over the way he treated me. I don’t have to get over how he was once the perfect guy and then next thing you know, he was completely different. All the sorry’s in the world cannot fix the way he made me question everything I’ve ever known about myself. People don’t get to be rude and condescending and walk away with what they want. The first time he made me cry should have been the only indicator for me to walk away.
After this experience, I’ve learned something: when someone tries to bring you down, it is because they’re insecure and unhappy. These people are jealous and unworthy of your time and even though I didn’t realize this till years later, I now know that I will never settle for less than I deserve and I hope that if you are reading this and in the same situation, then you won’t either.