Distasteful Behaviors Only Single People Can Get Away With

Not showering.

Don’t feel like washing your body for a few days? Even after a strenuous workout? Maybe even strenuous workouts (plural)? Great. Don’t. Why should you? You’re only smelling yourself currently. Besides, you’re just gonna get up and do it all again tomorrow, so why bother? There’s something disgusting delicious about knowing how foul this behavior is but going with it anyway. No one ever has to know (unless you’re like me and write about it online for thousands of people to see). Bask in your dirt – own the fact that you have no one to get clean for and welcome these opportunities. Just wash your sheets regularly or that is really kinda gross.

Not shaving.

For girls, this is a luxury. Don’t fight me on it. Not having to shave every single day because you’re dating someone new is invaluable magic. It takes months, even years, to get to the point in a relationship when you are comfortable enough to tell them to piss off if they don’t like your stubble. So, when you’re unattached and no one is touching you on the reg, expecting nothing but perfected smoothness in all areas, you let that shit go for days. You laugh silently (and creepily) to yourself when you feel how bad your legs have gotten, and you send close-up pictures to your best friends of your armpit hair for no other reason than to hope they dry heave.

Hiding nothing.

Anxieties like ill-timed indigestion, aggressively inconvenient intestinal issues, or just the urgent need to sit on the toilet, undisturbed, for an unspecified amount of time are of no concern to you. You can burp, fart, poop, wherever, whenever, HOWEVER. Door wide open, pants on, pants off, in bed, on the couch, in the closet, at the kitchen table, in the middle of the living room. Be as disgusting as you want wherever you want because there is nobody home but you. If a person farts loudly and no one hears it, did it really happen?

Dating. A lot.

A given, I know. But sometimes singles get so wrapped up in the negatives of being single, they forget to focus on the positives like getting to date. Sure, dating can suck, but it can also be fun and entertaining and a great way to find out exactly who and what you’re looking for. Some of your attached friends may be really happy; some of them may be settling and secretly regretful, dreaming often of other, strange genitalia. Singles can download as many dating apps as their phones can handle, and rack up story upon story of dating adventures and disasters. Singles get random makeouts, random hook-ups, and the power to explore. It’s pretty awesome. Judge us if you will by the amount of dates we partake in, but don’t be jealous.

Being totally selfish.

When you’re unattached, the world is yours and yours alone. Yeah, sure – you need to take your friends and family into consideration, of course. But most of the time, a couple inevitably becomes “we” and “us,” being careful not to plan anything without consulting the other. They do things as a unit, even if it’s just staying at home and vegging on the couch. Being single, your schedule is just that – yours. You call all the shots and are not required to check in with a damn soul unless you’re so inclined. There’s no waiting around on your significant other to wake up or get ready. There’s no putting other plans off to ensure they match up perfectly time-wise with your partner’s. Plan your days and nights exactly how you want, and don’t give a second thought.

In other words, be disgusting and just do you.