September 20, 2013

The Hottest Things Guys Have Said To Me In Bed

Bhumika.B
Bhumika.B

OK, so, I had a mini-“Girls” marathon over the weekend and I’m enjoying it, particularly the superbly weird Jessa, with her funky fashion sense and free-spirited-to-the-point-of-bizarre approach to life and love. She’s like a sexy alien.

And I know this whole “blog post pegged to a thing from Girls” phenomenon is about to grow rapidly tired, if it hasn’t already, but I’d also like to see you come up with stuff to write about every day without resorting to a few hack moves now and then.

The “thing” is this line, which happened at the end of a scene in which Marnie, who has a boyfriend, engages in a flirtation with a pretentious artist she meets at an opening. The line is delivered after Marnie informs him that she’s not going to kiss him.

I know a lot of people will probably find this moment cheesy or gross, but I can honestly say that if someone used this line on me, I would be halfway through blowing them before they hit the end of the sentence. Oh my God, SCARE ME, please scare me!

One of my Twitter friends immediately noted that the line was obviously written by a woman, since guys never think to say stuff like that. Uh, yeah, because if they did they would be soooo tired from having sex every second of the day.

For me, it’s the power flip that’s so hot — she’s obviously used to having the upper hand in a sexual situation, and she’s flexing her muscle by coyly withholding. Until he cuts through the bullshit and tells her he’s going to give her what they both want.

I’m pretty sexually submissive, so that line of thinking appeals to me. I’m also extremely insecure/vain (they can go together), so probably the quickest way to turn me on is to tell me how hot I am. Be specific, please! I still have emails saved from a college-era casual sex relationship with a married guy who would breathlessly tell me exactly what it was about my “perfect, tight pussy” that drove him crazy.

I became like, a fuck junkie for this guy, offering to come over to his house before he left for work, just to give him a blowjob, then leave. “You are such a good girl,” he’d say to me, or “I can’t believe how fucking hot you are,” and my brain would light up like a sexual pinball machine with weird lights and dinging noises and triple bonus points everywhere. I imagine it is similar to what it must be like to be under the spell of a love potion. He was my sex crack.

Anyway, one day he explained to me that his approach to sex was based on … parrot training. Basically, training a parrot (or any animal?) is all about positive reinforcement. I just Googled parrot training and this sentence made me laugh:

“Talk to him/her and even offer small treats. Generally, treats are used as reward for behavior, but especially with an apprehensive bird, a little food can go a long way in convincing your pet that this is fun.”

In this case, the “food” was his sexy sex compliments, and it definitely convinced me that sex with him was fun. And this:

Reward your bird when s/he completes a command. Some owners like to reward with a bite of fruit or veggie, while others prefer to offer a special toy. Whatever is chosen, make sure to stay positive and consistent.

So basically, when I did something he liked during sex, he doled out the reward of affection, attention, praise, and of course, orgasms. This guy TRAINED ME LIKE A PARROT TO LOVE FUCKING HIM. I should probably be offended by that, but it worked, man! If being like a parrot means I get to have the hottest sex of my life, then I will parrot it up. Just cover my cage with a blanket when we’re done so I can get some sleep.

Anyway, I want to know about what weird stuff guys have said to you that made you run off and masturbate in a bathroom. And I want you to leave it in the comments, because I’m a blogger, and I know how to do things. TC mark

This article originally appeared on xoJane.

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Like this? Read this: 101 Guys to Date Before You Die.

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