This Is What I’ve Been Too Afraid To Say

These are the words I haven’t been able to say to anyone. At some point, I became too afraid to be myself and reveal every part of me no matter how raw and ugly. I feel as though I’ve been trapped inside myself, unable to say these words for fear I’ll be rejected. These are all of the words I’ve kept inside and it’s time I let them out. All of the little things and the big things that make me who I am, and maybe by the end I’ll be easier to understand.

I’m confident, yet insecure. My appearance when I see it is only average, my frizzy dirty blonde hair never laying right, my indecisively hazel eyes, only turning green in contrast with the whites of my eyes when I cry tears of anger or frustration. My teeth I stare at because there’s that bottom row that’s crowded, each tooth fighting for their own spot, giving my smile “character” as the dentist once called it. My height being about average, and my stomach small, yet untoned screaming defeat from exercise regimens I can’t commit to and sweets I can’t avoid. I may or may not question you if you think I’m beautiful.

I stare at people for too long because I want to know what makes them the person they are, but I promise I’ll avoid eye contact when you look at me because I’m just too afraid for anyone to stare into me, maybe I’m afraid someone will read my stories I haven’t been able to tell yet. I’ve fallen in love with you several times already though because of the way the corners of your mouth curl when you laugh, or the way you hold your fork. Not the kind of love that people get married over or what books are written about, but the kind where I feel like I’ve known you forever and I just feel comfortable with you. I’m also confusing though because even if I do feel comfortable with you, I’ll find something to fidget with, a cuticle to pick raw, a strand of hair to twist.

I know things, but I am unsure that I know them, and so I question myself on a daily basis and trip over my words when I’m nervous. I probably ask too many questions because I don’t like to make assumptions about people. More often than not though you’ll find yourself in a heavy silence with me, and I’m trying to think of something to say. I get mad, but you probably won’t know unless you really watch my body language and the way I tend to awkwardly stick my lower lip out ever so slightly, a habit I’ve been trying to kick for years. I’m quick to be defensive, but only because I want to protect myself, so I won’t trust you right away. If you say anything offensive to me, I might pretend it doesn’t bother me, but I take all words to heart both good and bad.

I love people because everyone I encounter is so different, yet so similar. I never forget anyone I’ve crossed paths with but I also will remove myself if I feel I don’t belong in your life anymore. I hate how heartless people can be and want to forget the things I’ve heard. I’m a collection of memories, words, secrets, and habits. This is everything I’ve been too afraid to admit for fear that nobody else will get it. Maybe they will, maybe I’m not that different at all.