Why You Are Going To Quit Drinking
A year has passed, thousands of dollars have been spent, and you finally have realized the problem you have procured: excessive consumption. You drink your money like water and wake up in the mornings with a terrible headache and an unclear fuzziness that makes it impossible to articulate sentences properly. The weekends perpetuate a monsoon of rampant drinking comparable to the weekday casual drinking. If it’s not drinking multiple pitchers of beer at a bar, or drinking a couple bottles of wine alone writing, it’s finishing a 6-pack at a house party, or enjoying a morning bloody Mary to cure the potential hangover. The amount of classes you have missed due to your drinking surpasses the amount of classes you have attended sober.
You don’t dream in your sleep anymore because the drunken slumber has evolved into your brain shutting off for a few hours while you lie face down in your pillow. You probably wake up in a pile of your own drool a couple times a week.
People began to realize the problem before you did, and that says something about the drunken haze you have existed in for the past four seasons, clouding your mind and inhibiting your ability to see the addiction you have obtained. If you made a survey asking people on Facebook ‘Would you take me seriously if I told you I was going to quit drinking?’ odds are your only results will be no.
Another thing about the word no: it is not part of your vocabulary while drinking. When half of your beer is gone and your friend asks you if you want another, your answer is of course – the inappropriate response would be no I’m all set. This would accrue laughter and a bigger, stronger beer than the one in front of you. The friends you go out with on a regular basis, discourage drinking any beverage that is not alcoholic, and they too have drinking problems.
You always create reasons to put off quitting drinking: it’s your best friend’s birthday in a couple days, or you have dinner reservations on Thursday, or you have a stressful week coming up.
You stumble into your doorway, searching for your keys and bolt to the bathroom upon entering your apartment. You puke from excessive drinking at least twice a month, and tend to need someone to hold your hand in the meantime. In the midst of barfing, you blame someone else for your spins and upset stomach that caused the alcohol-induced vomiting.
If other people are embarrassed for you and your excessive drinking, you should probably stop drinking… immediately. When you wake up in the morning with more regrets than memories of the previous night, you should definitely quit drinking… immediately. If you use your drunkenness as an excuse for your outrageous behavior, and you also create excuses for your exorbitant drinking, you should probably stop drinking… immediately. If you lack any sense of self-control and foster an impulsive personality, you should never have began drinking in the first place, so you should quit drinking… immediately.
You claim that you don’t have a drinking problem, but when you are constantly drinking and problems are always arising, it’s safe to say you have a drinking problem. You are going to quit drinking.
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If you’ve been looking for a chance to say something then this very well could be it.
I wish to God I’d had a list like this when I was 23.
Answer phones better than anyone else has answered phones before. Relay messages so brilliant, they bring people to tears. Turn the coffee run into the choreography of Swan Lake. Become best friends with every intern and every underling and every taxi driver you encounter.
I remember taking the pen and notebook from that woman outside the courtroom, flipping to a clean page in the book, and writing, JESSICA IS SAD in big, bold, uncoordinated letters. “My sister is going to be a good writer someday! Look at how nice her lines are!”