10 Pieces Of Advice For My Ex’s New Girlfriend

1. Never tell him to cut his hair. Never bug him about it even though it looks long and scruffy and it bugs the shit out of you when you look at him. He’ll never agree to get it cut when he feels like you’re forcing him into it. Instead, wait for him to ask and if he does, answer with a subtle yes. You’ll be surprised when you see him the next day.

2. Allow him to drink with his friends but never allow him to smoke. He’s an athlete and good health is the most important thing for him.

3. Watch all of his games and trainings even if it bores you or you don’t understand what the words “midfielder” and “striker” mean. He will love that you came.

4. His favorite chocolates are: Maltesers, Butterfinger, and Violet Crumble. It might make a hole in your pocket, but nothing compares to how his eyes will light up when you surprise him with them.

5. Always greet his mother whenever you get the chance. His mother is the most significant woman in his life, so do everything to make sure she likes you. Try to love her. I did. His sister? Well, try to love her too, but that one is still a bitch.

6. Do not bitch around in front of his girl friends. Don’t roll your eyes even if you know he used to like one or two of them before you and you secretly suspect that they liked him (and still like) him back. You’ll never win this stupid game because he’ll always pick their side. Also, just laugh when his guy friends tell him they should go find themselves some “chikabebes.” Know that he has you, and that he’ll never look for anyone else.

7. Try to reply to his text messages within five minutes after receiving them. Apparently ten minutes is too long of a wait for him and will cause a petty fight.

8. His foot size is 7.5 (too small, right? Kidding…) His t-shirts are all smalls. He always wants it to fit well on his arms. I can’t remember his waistline though — I always got distracted by his sexy cuts.

9. Never forget to give him a gift on Valentine’s day. He’ll pretend it doesn’t matter, but a few days later he’ll be sulking around, and bringing it up, asking why he didn’t get one, and ultimately causing another petty fight. I learned this the hard way.

10. Don’t leave him. Always tell him you miss him, need him. Tell him he doesn’t have to worry about another thing because he’s never going to lose you. Tell him nothing makes you happier than being with him. Tell him why you finally know why it never worked out with anyone else. Hold his hand proudly. Hug him from behind. Wrap yourself around his arms as if you almost want it to fall off. Kiss him on the forehead. Be the girlfriend he wants to have. Be the girlfriend I never was. Never let him go, because I’m telling you he is worth every tear, every petty fight, every sleepless night, every pain and heartache. He is worth it. Just love him.