I’m A Pro Boyfriend Snooper And Here’s All The Crazy Stuff I Found
By Elle Evans
Once upon a time, I was a professional boyfriend snooper. (Once upon a time, a dude paid for our first date with coupons, but that’s another story.) If he owned it, I looked through it: emails, texts, Facebook messages, voicemails. After enough horrifying discoveries, I gave it up; the heartbreak was simply too much. (Chances are, if your intuition is telling you to go sniffing through his wallet or laptop or iPhone, the trust has already been broken.) So while I am in no way suggesting that you take up this shameful privacy-breaching practice (sometimes ignorance is bliss), if you just can’t help yourself, be ready: here are of the a few “treasures” you may find, straight from my own experience.
1. Incriminating photos from his “boy’s trip.”
Nothing like using your friend’s Facebook log-in to discover your boyfriend has been tagged in pictures that you’ve never seen before. (Eff you, Mark Zuckerberg and your privacy settings.) Either way, your dude blocked or untagged those photos for a reason: because he didn’t want you to see them. Oh, hello scantily-clad stripper (or are you a waitress?) sitting on my man’s lap, feeding him cherries. (Isn’t there somewhere in the Bro Bible where it says a bro shall not share compromising photos of another bro, especially if said bro has a girlfriend?)
2. Feminine toiletries that don’t belong to you.
After seeing a guy for a few months, you’re pretty familiar with his bathroom drawers. That is, until you find a cheap, Pink razor and hair ties sitting on the ledge of the shower. And girl, you KNOW I only use a Venus and wear my hear down.
3. A jewelry charge – for jewelry you never got.
Checking your man’s bank account around the holidays is a dangerous game, especially when you discover credit card charges at two separate jewelry stores. Considering he bought his mom an iPad and you got the heart necklace from Tiffany’s, it’ll make a girl wonder who the recipient of the other shiny thing was.
4. Emails to other women.
There should be laws against leaving your inbox open on other people’s computers. But, fortunately, no such laws exist, and discovering this great fortune is like the ‘Buy one, get two free sale’ at Saks. One of my favorite discoveries was a note my guy wrote to another woman on MY birthday, explaining that he truly believed he was meant to be with her. Happy f*cking birthday to me.
5. The ex-girlfriend who doesn’t know she’s an ex.
Thanks to Facebook, everyone’s connected by a few degrees of separation. (Which, by the way, was waaaaay more fun when less Internet-savvy people didn’t understand how to utilize their privacy settings.) This revelation led me to discover a woman I’d never met ranting that my new man led her on for 4 months. I appreciated that, since we’d been dating for 5 months.
6. An online dating profile he has yet to remove.
After dating a guy for several months, my gut told me that he didn’t see our relationship as exclusive as I did. In a moment of desperation, I signed up for an online dating site under a pseudonym and narrowed the search by zip code, age range and education. Not only did he show up, he was ONLINE at the time, adding a brand new picture to his dating profile.
7. Sexting pics en masse.
As if a solo dick pic wasn’t enough (WHY, MEN, WHY?), imagine finding that your guy has mass-texted his junk to multiple women in his phone. His penis was essentially communal property. Awesome.
8. Old letters that are more gushy than the ones he’s sent you.
I can’t be the only woman who’s ever wondered how she stacked up against the previous women in her man’s life. While he was at work, I “stumbled upon” old love letters saved as word docs on his laptop. Word to the wise: Unless you’re a masochist, do not, under any circumstances, read sweet nothings that were meant for someone else. Nearly killed me.
9. His mugshot.
I cannot make this stuff up, people. After a couple of dates, I discovered via Google that he had an arrest record he failed to mention. Aaaaaand goodbye, sir.