1. You once replied to the standard barista question, “What drink can I get started for you today?” with “Yes.”
2. You consider reporting any employer who doesn’t provide coffee in the kitchen or break room to OSHA.
3. You woke up once only to realize that you’d run out of coffee the night before, and quickly shut your eyes to escape the worst nightmare you’d ever had.
4. That was the day you considered ordering only coffee on Seamless.
5. The barista at the coffee shop by your apartment knows you and your drink on sight.
6. So does the barista at the coffee shop by your office.
7. And every other coffee shop in a 3 block radius of either location.
8. In your opinion, one of the greatest gestures of true love is when your significant other has your coffee order memorized.
9. You have very stringent rules as to what qualifies as “a cup of coffee,” and find yourself rationalizing your life choices when you go for ANOTHER cup. Black coffee has negligible calories so it doesn’t really count, and a latte is packed with calcium, so it’s kind of a health drink… right? Really, it’s all about how you approach the situation.
10. Someone once told you that they’re “just not a coffee person” and you had to make a mental note never to trust that person again.
11. Your friends and family can tell how many cups of coffee you’ve had just by your demeanor. Your sweet spot ranges anywhere from one and a half to three and three quarters cups of coffee, but by the fifth cup, you might as well be a mass of mania and Get Shit Done!™ nerves. They know better than to abandon you in this time of need.
12. Your roommate knows not to even utter a single word before you’ve had your coffee. Your apartment has to be a tomb until you are properly sedat— I mean, caffeinated.
13. You’ve mixed up the feelings of gratitude and love, and are currently debating how best to ask your barista out.
14. What do you mean, Whitman’s original poem wasn’t “O Coffee! My Coffee!”?
15. Cold brew coffee is the apex of summertime sustenance, but you’re also not so classy that you totally won’t just brew hot coffee extra-strong and pour it over ice.
16. You have poured coffee over coffee flavored ice cream to make an iced coffee with milk.
17. You have a very serious opinion as to where you stand in the Pumpkin Spice Latte debate.
18. You rack up upwards of $150 in coffee gift cards during the holidays, and not because it’s some sort of cop out “I didn’t know what to get you” gift. No. They knew what to get you. And they got you coffee.
19. You will tear through those gift cards in two weeks, tops.
20. The fanciest machine in your kitchen is your coffee pot. You have dreams about your own personal fully automatic espresso machine.
21. But then again, a good old French press does the job well enough. And what you’re not spending on a $2000 machine, you can spend on coffee beans. And you will my friend. You really will.
22. You can joke about it all you want, and say “yeah, I toootally need to cut back,” while simultaneously crossing your fingers behind your back and thinking, “when I’m dead.”
23. You know the title of this post is misleading. Because there is never, ever, ever such a thing as “too much” coffee. Like, ever.