‘Twas The Tweet Before Christmas

‘Twas the tweet before Christmas
And all through the web
The teens were all restless:
“Justin Bieber, is he… what had he said?!”

Well, here, my dear tweens,
I know this is dire.
But I’m very sad to say
That yes, he’s retired.

He tweeted about it
From his pop music lair—
Composed it, hit send,
And heard gasps fill the air.

They cried, they faved,
They retweeted in grief.
For here it was in 140 characters,
A nightmare beyond their belief.

And yet if you listened,
If you paid close attention,
Another group tweeted in
That was worth its own mention.

The snarky 20-somethings,
cackling with glee.
For it seemed to them
That Santa’d come early.

Clausy hadn’t given them jobs
Or eradicated student debt.
But this, my dear tweeters,
Was the best present yet.

For here was a boy—
Nay, technically a man—
Citing retirement;
Does he not understand?!

We’d kill for that job.
(Well, at least for the money.)
Retirement at 19?
Does he think this is funny?

“Christmas has come early!”
The Grinchy-somethings cried,
For living on listicles and shattered dreams
Will make you dead inside.

Oh, they hated that music
They heard on Pandora.
It was cheesy, but it was catchy.
It was every hipster’s horror.

And then it dawned.
So suddenly and clear.
Tomorrow, Christmas,
Would be the worst day of the year.

For the 20-somethings were home
And surrounded by dozens
Of pubescent, pimply,
Distraught younger cousins.

They would be without console.
They would cry, they would wail,
Because their king, their Bieber
Had tweeted the end of his tale.

And slowly I crept
To my window with fear,
Because there it was.
It came perfectly clear.

A vigil from next door,
Where a 14 year old fan
Had started to mourn.
She didn’t understand.

But then from the darkness
Came a faint hope.
“I’ll never leave you,” he tweeted,
“I think you’re all dope.”

So fare thee well, Justin Bieber
Your music was, eh—it was alright.
Merry Christmas, you snarky 20-somethings.
And to all, a good night.