You weren’t what I was expecting.
You weren’t the tall, blond-haired, blue-eyed hockey player I thought I’d always wanted. You weren’t the perfect boyfriend who made my life complete. And you definitely weren’t within the 50 mile parameter of my online dating geographical search.
And yet, somehow, you were able to touch my heart from 6000 miles away.
Your sweet, witty message first lit the spark of intrigue, the flame that quickly grew into a roaring fire. It was your words that enchanted me, the mix of humor and eloquence that laid the roadmap to your soul, the ensuing rapid-fire online chat that entwined your thoughts with mine.
It got real when I finally got to hear your voice for the first time. I counted down the hours each day until I’d get to sit in front of my computer screen and talk to you, for as many hours as we possibly could. Conversing with you was as comfortable as the warmth of sunshine on my face. As natural as talking to myself. You said the reason you kept telling me how beautiful I was, was because you loved the way it made me smile. I didn’t say it, but I was falling in love with you.
It happened without either of us meaning to. Feeling so strongly so fast.
Joking about the hypothetical wedding. Naming the hypothetical children. Your “good morning” texts made me giddier than chocolate. I couldn’t stop smiling. I couldn’t bear the thought of waiting an entire month to see you. All I wanted to do was dance with you. All you wanted to do was kiss me. We looked at each other longingly through the screen and felt so close, like we were in the same room. Like you weren’t a stranger in another country. Like you were my soulmate.
You showed me a glimpse into your soul, and you made me feel at home there.
You loved the darkness in me as well as the light. I could look into your eyes and say anything, and still know you got me. I gave you my heart, and you held it. You never got to hold my hand, but you always had my trust. We talked about pain as well as joy, and I could envision living through pain with you. I could imagine it, our fingers entwined, at the hospital, our half-Spanish baby girl in my arms. I could see us growing old together, traveling the world after all of our babies had grown up.
I need you like a bird needs the sky.
I miss you like a ghost misses its body.
I want you like a soldier wants to live. Because I don’t feel alive when you’re gone. I don’t want anyone else, if I can’t have you.
I fell in love with your soul.
But sometimes, love isn’t enough.