George Washington Addressing The Nation On Syria
By Ed Herro
GEORGE WASHINGTON: Ladies and Gentleman of these United States of America: Firstly, I truly swell with pride at your great achievement of cobbling together these fifty separate and sovereign states. Hip Hip. Mightily impressive. When I first walked this great earth I ne’er dared to dream that our most precious Americas would rise to such lofty heights. It is truly a testament to our great Creator and what He has deemed fit for us. But I digress. You have spent considerable resources fetching me from my era and I mean to enlighten you on the current situation in Syria vis-à-vis your impending military strikes on that regime.
Now, I’ve been briefed, extensively, on the last 214 years. Both technologically and geopolitically but forgive me any missteps. This has been a bit of a shock to us both.
From what I have been able to garner, the leader of Syria, Bashar al-Assad, has waged a two-year war on his own people. We, as a country, are isolationists no more, but we have been reluctant to intervene. Roughly a year ago, our President Obama implied that any use of chemical weapons on the citizens of Syria would be a “red line.” In the past few days, it is becoming increasingly clear that such chemical weapons have indeed been deployed and now our great nation stands on the brink of another costly military entanglement in the Persian region. You await my sage advice so I will delay no further… ahem…
There is a NEGRO in the White House?! Are you out of your minds?! People! I fought, bled and died for this country! When I beat the British — you know, the most powerful empire history had EVER seen — I did it for us. The WHITE and LANDED gentry of this land. Our great country and our great ideals. Not for some colored folk who are no better suited to run a pig sty than my goddam country! I mean, honestly, what the hell were you thinking?! Were you even thinking?! Because it sure as hell doesn’t look like it! Do you know how difficult it was to create this country? Well, let me tell you… because I did it! I created this country. And when I won the most surprising victories since Agincourt, you know what you did? You citizens wanted to make me king! King of the Americas! Forever. But did I accept? Nooooo! Because I knew that installing another monarchy would lead to the same problems we had just so bloodily overcome.
And then do you know what happened? You people offered to make me President For Life! Which, as I think we all realize, sounds a lot like a semantic work-around for that whole “king” thing you floated earlier. But again I deferred. That’s just the kind of guy I am! I talked you down to just “president” — an honor I still hold most cherished among all my accomplishments — for a limited time. For the good of the Union! But had I known, just a couple hundred years later, you would besmirch that legacy by electing a househand… I’m just… I’m speechless… Are there any questions?
Thousands of hands shoot up, reporters jockey for position, cameras flash. One voice breaks through the din and raises his question. The world waits as Mr. Washington considers. He clears his throat then gives his measured response.
GEORGE WASHINGTON: Hmm… Good question. Thank you. I guess… I guess that’s what happens when no one ever says “no” to you and you grow up surrounded by fame and celebrity. We’re all left to ask questions. How did he or she become that way? What are we to take from that shocking display? What does it say about us and our past? I think the best summation of my thoughts would be: it’s just Miley being Miley.