7 Apartment Additions To Feign Adulthood
By Drake Carden
So here you are, you big grown-up, you! You have managed to finish college, move to a new city, get a job and pretend you are a full-blown, functioning member of an economy-driven society. Wow!
Alas, we both know there are difficulties surrounding this waltz of maturity, filling up our dance cards with networking events, ‘real’ dates that do not end in the dirty deed immediately, memo writing, and eating an irreverent amount of arugula.
Additionally, we have our first non-college apartments. Gone are the days with photo collages of our high school friends or old neon beer signs. Bigger fish to fry now as we explore alien territory in the form of potluck dinners and perhaps even entertaining in some state of sobriety. Holy balls. I. Die.
But nay! Please do not start crying just yet. We can do this! Here are 7 essential apartment additions to feign your entry into adulthood.
1. Live Plants
Proof That: You care about someone/something other than yourself.
It’s Difficult Because: You have to care for someone/something other than yourself at least 2-3 times a week for like, two minutes. So this is essentially impossible to keep up for more than a couple weeks.
“My four year worldwide Eat-Pray-Love journey ended with my discovery of these ficus arrangements from Real Peek.” -Me
2. Coffee Table Books
Proof That: You are an intellectual, have an endless expendable income, and are thoughtful and want your guests to have something to peruse through while you finish up the mushroom quiche for your intimate Julia Childs-themed dinner party.
It’s Difficult Because: This book will cost some ungodly amount likely equivalent to a week’s worth of groceries. Also, how the fuck do you make mushroom quiche?
“Every cosmo girl or gay loves a book on The City of Lights. I promise not to tell anyone you have never been and used to think it was its own country.” -Me
3. A Wine Rack (With Wine in it)
Proof That: You are not an alcoholic because you’ve managed to purchase alcohol and not immediately binge-consume it.
It’s Difficult Because: You can get 24 Bud Lights for the price of that bottle of Sauvingnon Blanc and power hour is, like, 48 times better than this frumpy pot luck. Also, if you take Franzia boxed wine (AKA adult grape juice) out of the box, it looks like an IV drip bag. And who wouldn’t want that pulsing through their veins?
“Without the wine, it’s just a stick. But with it, it’s a Picasso. Chin-chin, Archithings.” -Me
4. Local Artwork/Prints
Proof That: Your next career move will probably be art dealer or gallery owner because you are just that sophisticated.
It’s Difficult Because: You miss your high school BFF collages and your giant IKEA poster of London’s Big Ben. We all know you don’t even have a passport, idiot.
“Selling my kidney for this DC Metro print from Etsy. Not even a question.” -Me
5. Not. Shit. Everywhere. (Clean up, You Nasty Cow!)
Proof That: You are not gross and voted against asbestos in the last election.
It’s Difficult Because: You cannot afford a maid so, like, you have to manually labor yourself.
“Please refrain from being an EatRealMeat Mad Cow. Your slobbery is clogging my arteries.” -Me
6. Non-Essential Kitchen Items
Proof That: You have unlimited free time to mince, mash, zest, blend, whip and whisk, making you the ideal candidate for marriage in 1958.
It’s Difficult Because: You cannot cook.
“And on the eighth day, God used a zester He created in a business partnership with Out of The Frying Pan to make a heavenly lemon vinaigrette for a mesclun spring mix salad” -Me/Various Historic Religious Texts (allegedly)
7. An Accent Wall
Proof That: You have unquestionable style and understand complementary palates and patterns.
It’s Difficult Because: You cannot afford to hire a painter so, like, you have to do this yourself on a Saturday when you could be getting blitzed at bottomless-mimosa brunch. Ugh. Our lives. So hard.
“You are bold. You are beautiful. You like your walls like your future husbands. With foreign accents and no mother-in-law. That doesn’t even really make sense. And Apartment Therapy knows that.” -Me
Of all the breakups I’ve had, the saddest and hardest to get over is the one with my platonic girlfriends.
By Jordan Lee
I will keep looking at them while you go through the checklist of things you need to bring. I will note how I am not on it and feel the cracks under my ribs escalate with every beating pulse.
We’ve come too far to give up who we are
So let’s raise the bar and our cups to the stars
I have never held hands that were equally my own and not, at the exact same time. It is this lack of understanding that makes me want to say thank you.