Thought Catalog
December 29, 2014

33 Shocking Lessons Learned From Serial Dating That You Can’t Live Without

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Flickr / Gulan Bolisay
Flickr / Gulan Bolisay

If you are sick of being single and are ready to have a living, breathing man in your life, keep reading. There are lessons you can take away from bad dates that will point you in the direction of hot, daily make-out sessions with your new boyfriend. So pay attention, because even bad dates can be a great teacher. Every date—even awful dates—leads to more experience and wisdom.

1. Just because your date is hot does not mean he’s boyfriend material.

2. If your date is a fabulous dancer, it does not mean he understands your beautiful lady parts.

3. There are real live Don Juans out there and if you play with the law of averages you will meet one.

4. Going on a date with someone who’s not even a 7 on the hotness radar online doesn’t mean he won’t look like a 9 in real life. He just doesn’t know how to take a selfie.

5. Never leave the house without a pack of gum for your benefit and his, especially if you go out for Indian and he devours the garlic naan.

6. If your date says, “We’ll have the most expensive Cabernet on your wine list,” he’s trying much too hard to impress you.

7. You learn that your first date’s ex girlfriend already hates you. Sneak out when he’s in the bathroom and run for your life before she starts cyber-stalking you.

8. Twelve cheap beers are ordered within 90 minutes on your lunch date and none were yours. If the first thing your date does in the morning is crack open a beer or else he gets shaky, he’s got issues.

9. If the hair rises on the back of your neck like you just saw a horror movie when you chat with him on the phone, don’t even think about making that first date, girl, even if he wants to take you to the Waldorf Astoria for brunch.

10. Republicans and Democrats attract each other physically, but similarities on the big stuff are what build amazing relationships.

11. If a guy expects a text response within five minutes, he will be like Super Glue and you know hard it is to tear that stuff off once it’s on.

12. If he’s got on a watch that could double as a workout weight, he’s got a good job, or his grandmother likes to buy him very lavish birthday gifts.

13. Mammoth hands don’t always mean he wears big shoes or gloves or has colossal anything.

14. One heart-thumping make-out session doesn’t mean he’ll be yours truly or even call you again.

15. If your date shows up unshowered and grubby don’t expect him to look like Joe Manganiello next time.

16. A man is on his best behavior for the first month; if he’s not showing up on time and making dates with you now, he never will.

17. If he has long fingernails, there are also holes in the tops of all of all of his socks. Ewwww…I guarantee it is not pretty.

18. If he doesn’t eat veggies at dinner he’s got some unresolved grass-eating issues from childhood that he still hasn’t worked out.

19. If he tells you he likes you, he means it.

20. If he’s bearing gifts on the first date, he’s trying too hard.

21. He’s flaky if he canceled on you twice. Don’t ever give him a third chance.

22. If he asks you out while you’re still on the first date he’s definitely into you.

23. If there are empty eye-drop bottles on the floor of his car I’m 99% sure he’s a smoking something besides vapor cigs.

24. If he’s over 40 and talks about boogers on your date, he has no filter and his humor will not get better with age.

25. If comic books, superheroes, and gaming are his favorite topics, he will never trade in his cape and tights for a nice jacket.

26. If he says he needs to clean his room, he is still living in his parents’ basement.

27. When you walk down the street and he doesn’t wait for you, you need to get rid of all your heels. No, on second thought, you need to dump him and go shoe-shopping.

28. If a beautiful woman walks by and you see him check her out, don’t take it personally.

29. But if he scopes out every woman that passes you by, you need to start looking elsewhere stat!

30. If he tells you that he puts booby traps in his house to make sure his mom isn’t stealing toilet paper, this means he will put spyware on your computer.

31. If the words “I want to be your spiritual guru” come out of his mouth, you are more enlightened than he could ever imagine.

32. His fiancée broke up with him two days ago. You, my friend, are his very first rebound fling and won’t be his last.

33. If a man says he’s not looking for a serious relationship, take him at his word. Don’t try to change his mind, because you will waste your time.

Good men are straightforward communicators when it comes to just about everything, and dating them can help you learn about men and yourself. If you are still single and don’t want to be, it’s time to gain clarity from your bad dates and learn from your mistakes. It’s time to start paying attention to what it is you really want in your life and go for it. TC mark