I’m Grateful Even Though I Lost You, Because Now I Know That My Heart Can Love

My best friend told me you were my punishment for being a cold hearted bitch for so many years. And the thing is, I can’t contradict her. She’s right, nobody has ever melted my ice heart before.

That’s just how I am – it happens so rarely that someone catches my eye. I am beyond picky. I have never fallen in love, because the butterflies from my stomach, the ones that only make their appearance once in a blue moon, always fly away so quickly. I thought that maybe something was wrong with me, with how my brain was wired, that maybe I’m just not capable of having more than platonic feelings and superficial crushes. I couldn’t understand why I acted this way, why I got bored with every single guy I dated, even though I liked them in the beginning. I wished I was different, I wished I could fall blindly in love like everyone else around me did. But no matter how much I loved the idea of love, it just wasn’t working out for me. I couldn’t force my feelings, no matter how much I tried. My eyes always saw all too clearly every imperfection, everything that just didn’t fit.

Getting guys’ attention was never a problem. But the more attention they gave me, the more I receded back into my shell. The more they praised my beauty and declared to me their eternal love, the more I realized how shallow they were because they “fell in love” with how I looked, without even trying to get to know who I am. I got used to being single, on my own for so many years. I was a cold hearted ice queen and I was okay with it. I didn’t need anyone. But I wanted someone by my side. I wanted someone that could read me, because no one else could. I wanted a friend and a companion.

And then you appeared in my life.

The irony of life – to fall in love with the only guy you can’t have a future with. The irony to fall madly, blindly, stupidly in love exactly when you don’t want to.

You made me feel things I’ve never felt before, you made me so happy. You made me feel loved. When you were with me, you calmed me down, all the background static from my mind stopped. For the first time I felt like someone instinctively understood what I wanted. But you also hurt me like no one did before. I felt such an excruciating pain when you gave up on us. I could feel it in my chest, in my stomach, in my throat. I couldn’t sleep, I couldn’t eat, I couldn’t stop my tears. I’ve never imagined a heartbreak could physically hurt so much. The thought that I lost you forever was unbearable.

I am no longer angry now, I am no longer hurt. I forgave you and I forgave myself. My tears have dried out and my heart is forever scarred, but I’ll wear the stains you left on my soul proudly. I know what we had was real, I know we were crazy about each other. We were two fools, two perfect strangers falling more and more in love while rambling the narrow streets of my city. A few too short weeks of white nights of naked conversations and an eternity of pain of being away from you. That’s what we had and it was enough.

I know it’s over now, I know I lost you, but last summer, with you, will always be one of the best things that has ever happened to me.

The beautiful moments that we shared, I have that forever and nobody can take them away from me. I am so grateful that I got the chance to meet you. You’ve warmed up my soul, you showed my heart how to love. I have never had such strong feelings for anyone else and it frightened me. My fears paralyzed me, they made me distrustful and I made so many stupid mistakes. I am so sorry. Please forgive me if I let you down. I’m only human, I didn’t know any better. But I was crazy about you. I don’t know what you did to me, but you crept into my soul so quickly, so unnoticeably.

I no longer have regrets. I understand that things needed to happen this way. I wouldn’t change  one single chapter in our story.I needed to lose you to fully appreciate the time we had together. I needed to lose you to realize how much I wanted you. Because I couldn’t admit it to myself. I was foolish and selfish, I made so many mistakes, but I needed to learn my lessons. I needed to learn to trust my heart. I am sorry I couldn’t fight for us. You didn’t even give me the chance. But that’s okay, I understand. I still miss you like crazy but I  want you to be happy and I don’t want you to feel like you’re missing out on life. Neither of us deserves that. So, I’m letting you go. And I’m letting myself go, free to live my life, without you.

I know now that there wasn’t anything wrong with me; I just hadn’t found the right guy yet. I know now that I fall for the sweet, honest guys. I liked you so much because you were so optimistic about life and you had a kind heart. You were smart, humble and funny. I felt like I could be myself around you. I never got bored of you. I don’t regret anything that happened between us and I am so grateful to have met you, because now I know that my heart can love. You taught me how. Thank you. Thank you for being my sweet punishment.