April 8, 2014

123 Things I Will Teach My Daughter (Feminist Edition)

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Bhumika Bhatia
Bhumika Bhatia

1. Be strong. Even when the world is against you.

2. Chocolate is your best friend.

3. Ice cream too.

4. Wine too. In moderation.

5. Dress for yourself . Never dress for boys.

6. Set aside a budget for shoes. You can never have enough shoes. Never.

7. Wear your hair like your favorite spice girl. Because the 90’s will come back in style. Believe me.

8. Watch the Notebook 8 times. Every year.

9. Cry your eyes out. It’s okay to cry.

10. You’re beautiful.

11. No matter what.

12. Put play before work.

13. You only live once, make the most of it.

14. It’s okay to be a little crazy. It’s more than okay.

15. Dance like nobody’s watching.

16. If someone cute is watching, get him to join you.

17. Eat pizza like it’s your second job.

18. Eat chocolate cake like it’s your third job.

19. Listen to loud music to escape the world around you.

20. Empower yourself. Everyday.

21. Empowerment is important. Don’t let anyone take yours away from you.

22. Your body is yours alone.

23. No one has the right to touch you without your consent but yourself. Period.

24. Be sassy.

25. Don’t take crap from anyone, especially not boys.

26. Walk with your head held high.

27. You’re perfect.

28. Don’t be ashamed to order a large coke.

29. And large fries.

30. Flirt with that cute bouncer at your local club.

31. Wear the crap out of Lulus.

32. Wear the shit out of UGGS.

33. Travel. A lot.

34. Don’t apologize for who you are. Never.

35. If he can’t handle you at your worst.

36. He doesn’t deserve you at your best.

37. Quote Marylin Monroe.

38. A lot.

39. Be the original one.

40. What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger.

41. Don’t say things that are cliché.

42. You’re better than that.

43. Learn a second language.

44. Make boys fall head over heels with you by speaking that language.

45. Always refer to males as boys.

46. Even if they’re 20.

47. Or 30.

48. It semantically takes power away from them.

49. Never let a boy control you.

50. Eat scones. Lots of scones.

51. Eat brunch. Everyday.

52. Starbucks can make you happier than the perfect boy.

53. Always remember that.

54. Make being happy your biggest priority.

55. Little boys will pinch you and push you.

56. Pinch and push back.

57. Boys will hurt you.

58. Choose the wild boys.

59. Never settle.

60. You’re deserve better.

61. You’re special.

62. Your clothes are a big part of your character.

63. Nothing is stopping you from wearing short skirts.

64. Sex and the City is like a video-Bible.

65. Drink colorful drinks.

66. The time is always right for shopping.

67. Laugh at creepy boys with your friends.

68. Give me all the juicy goss.

69. Wear a low cut top and sneak into clubs.

70. Have crazy nights out.

71 Wake up not knowing where you are.

72. Laugh about it later.

73. You’re allowed to make mistakes. Lots of them.

74. You”re always right.

75. Become a feminist.

76. Never explain yourself.

77. You’re no less of a woman if you have an extra X chromosome.

78. Boys are stupid.

79. Take advantage of this.

80. Never pay for anything when you can get a man to do it for you.

81. Sleeping with 10 boys doesn’t make you a slut.

82. Sleeping with 100 boys doesn’t make you a slut

83. Sleeping with 1000 boys doesn’t make you a slut.

84. Have self respect.

85. Love yourself.

86. Never underestimate the power of your boobs.

87. Get as much free stuff as you can.

88. You don’t owe the world anything.

89. The world owes you. A lot.

90. Twilight. I’d like it if you read it.

91. Don’t be afraid to sleep with a cute boy who’s a minor

92. Love is love.

93. The law is on your side.

94. Get out of speeding tickets using your charm and wit.

95. The government is like the perfect boy.

96. Welfare. I’d like it if you get it.

97. Come back after a night out with questionable stains all over your body and face.

98. Never swallow

99. Your pride.

100. Alimony. Treat it as a second income.

101. Never be a housewife.

102. Get married LATE.

103. Sunglasses and Advil

104. If last night was mad real.

105. Be fierce

106. Never fight for something

107. You shouldn’t have to.

108. Feel free to hit boys.

109. Call 911 if they hit back.

110. Don’t consult the father about an abortion.

111. Short men are scum.

112. Stay away from them.

113. Take lots of selfies. Lots.

114. You’re more important than anyone else in the world.

115. If you regret it…

116. It’s rape

117. Never settle for a small settlement in court.

118. Marry into money

119. Get a good Jewish lawyer.

120. Divorce the boy.

121. Laugh all the way to the bank

122. If you want to cheat. Do it.

123. Finally, just Live Laugh Love. TC mark

Diana Bole

Orange county girl here. My parents named me after a princess because they thought I looked like one straight out of …

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