35 Signs You’ve Been Watching Too Much ‘Doctor Who’
By Devon Ivie
I was first introduced to Doctor Who when I was in high school — wanting to procrastinate from an array of calculus equations and Renaissance art history write-ups, I searched the television for a worthy distraction. Punching random numbers into the clicker, I stumbled upon a previously unknown television station: BBC America.
Currently occupying the screen is a lanky gentleman in a long brown coat. He is handsome. He has a beautiful blonde companion. He has sexy hair. He is negotiating with what appears to be a plunger toting silver-studded robot on why not to blow up Earth. He is getting annoyed with the constant echoes of EXTERMINATE!!! EXTERMINATE!!!, but maintains his obvious swag. This. Is. AMAZING!!! I refuse to blink in fear of missing something. My heart is racing. My cat Purrrfessor, frustrated, leaves when he realizes I have replaced petting him with groveling in front of television.
Of course, the actor was David Tennant and his companion was Billie Piper, both of whom ended up being the heroes of my remaining high school years. Doctor Who has progressed much since then – Matt Smith became the quirky eleventh Doctor, Karen Gillan charmed the world with her ginger feistiness, and Stephen Moffat (aka the man who makes millions of fangirls cry) became the show’s widely praised frontrunner – among many other noteworthy things. To this day, I’m still a hardcore Whovian (much to the chagrin of some of my friends) and here’s a list to see if you are, too:
1. You always think about eating fish fingers and custard, but never get around to actually doing it.
2. You’ll always know Carey Mulligan as Sally Sparrow and not as the actress from The Great Gatsby or An Education.
3. You’ve searched Etsy or eBay for a cute and inexpensive fez.
4. And Stetsons.
5. You try to incorporate “Allons-y!” and “Geronimo!” into conversations as best as you can.
6. You prefer men in bowties than actual ties.
7. Being around ANY type of statue makes you nervous.
8. You’ve told your significant other to dress up as a Roman soldier for role-playing activities.
9. You mourned the day Stephen Moffat left Twitter.
10. John Barrowman gives you so many conflicting sexual feelings.
11. You get an unexpected eerie feeling when you’re in a quiet and/or empty library.
12. You also get an unexpected eerie feeling when you see cracks on a wall or ceiling.
13. You have the opening theme song on your iPod or Spotify playlist and sometimes engage in interpretive dances to it.
14. “TARDIS Blue” is perfectly acceptable color description to you.
15. You know leather jackets or long overcoats are acceptable dress for any occasion.
16. You get giddy when you encounter a blue porta-potty.
17. You’re getting increasingly suspicious that iPhones are the real world parallel to ATMOS. WAS STEVE JOBS A SONTARAN?
18. You genuinely wonder why people would stay in modern-day London on Christmas Day.
19. You have a newfound interest in physics. Physics, eh? Physics. Phhhyyyysssicsss. Physics!
20. You try to buddy up to anyone you meet named John Smith. Hey, you never know.
21. The greatest pick-up line you know is: “Hello, sweetie.” Works like a charm.
22. You refuse to walk in shadows.
23. You admit that Love & Monsters was a really shitty episode and pretend it doesn’t exist.
24. You think Stormageddon Dark Lord Of All is a charming name for a baby.
25. The sound of tapping four times in a row is your worst nightmare.
26. You were PISSED when Tennant didn’t make an appearance at the 2012 Olympics. IT WAS SET UP SO PERFECTLY!!!
27. You now question the motives and intentions of all Prime Ministers.
28. You know never to turn left.
29. You wish Mark Gatiss was your sassy gay best friend.
30. You want to go to New New York on your next vacation (or, more realistically, the Doctor Who Experience in Cardiff).
31. The entire sixth season nearly made you go to therapy.
32. You feel you have advanced knowledge of every historical figure that has appeared on the show (Madame de Pompadour, Vincent van Gogh, Agatha Christie, etc.).
33. You’ve gotten into EXTREMELY heated conversations with others about whom the “best” Doctor and companion are and will defend your opinions to the death.
34. You legitimately cried when you heard Tennant and Piper would be returning for the 50th Anniversary special. Tears. Of. Joy. Everywhere.
35. You Gallifrey. All day, every day.