December 1, 2016

Maybe I Could Have Saved You

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I always wonder if there was a moment that you were down and broken that I could have come in and saved you from yourself. If only I knew the right things to say, if I had pushed you harder to love me, if I wasn’t so afraid.

There were times that you were good, times where I would look at you and think I want to be her. I would watch you do your makeup and I swear in those moments I could have sat there for hours watching you go from beautiful to stunning. There were people that you would get with and you were capable of making them laugh for hours. There was an elegance to the way you loved yourself, an aura of greatness seemed to follow you everywhere you went. You were so classical from the outside. The world thought a dream lived inside of you. The world did not know what I knew.

My bright smile never seemed to be powerful enough. My vibrant personality never made you care to know me. My kind gestures never could bring you to love me. My silent screams were never enough to bring you closer to me. My forever sad eyes never caught your attention. My broken heart could never get you to want to save me.

You never cared to save me, it never crossed your mind to fix what you broke. All I ever wanted to do was fix the broken pieces of your life. Mend them with all the love I had in me, when it came to you. I wanted to know all of your childhood stories, all your fears, everything that broke you and anything that could make you smile. Growing up I wanted to be your hero when it was you that should have been mine.

I see what you should have been to me when I look at others. How is a little princess supposed to grow up without the guidance of a queen? All my life I was looking for ways to save you. For years I wondered why you were there but never actually there. I raised myself and you sat there focusing on you. I grew up practically begging for your love. I grew up without you.

I still sit here and wonder…

Where did I go wrong?

What could I have changed?

Was there a moment that I could have saved you? TC mark

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