February 6, 2013

20 Things To Keep In Mind For 20-Somethings Visiting The South

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As a Southern transplant to the big cold North, I often give my friends tips for when they venture below the Mason-Dixon Line. Here are some of the most valuable:

  1. The South is much warmer than the rest of the U.S., especially in the winter. July is known for being unbearably hot, while the other 11 months are known for being slightly less hot than July.
  2. People in the South are renowned for their kindness. They’re actually a lot like New Yorkers, except without the stress, sense of entitlement, and hereditary need to be a complete asshole to everyone around them.
  3. Planning a Spring Break excursion? The South’s coastal states have some of the best beaches anywhere. And hey, meth!
  4. The South is perfect for anyone looking for an exotic hookup. A Southern accent is like a foreign language you can actually understand.
  5. Southern hospitality knows no bounds and is reinforced by lots and lots of firearms.
  6. Never, ever, ever ask a Southern lady her age. This is true anywhere, but again, firearms.
  7. The region is known for its rich whiskey heritage. Jack Daniels is a Tennessee whiskey, Jim Beam is a bourbon, and the stuff in clear Mason jars is made in an old truck carburetor.
  8. Here Comes Honey Boo Boo is not an accurate representation of the South, but O Brother, Where Art Thou? comes surprisingly close.
  9. The South would rise again, but it’s feeling a little tired right now. Maybe tomorrow.
  10. When talking to a stranger in the South, it’s important to us “Sir” and “Ma’am.” Gone With the Wind references are encouraged, though not required.
  11. Southerners love social media! Make sure to tag all Instragram pictures with #CivilWarLOLZ to promote interregional harmony.
  12. There ain’t no party like a redneck party cause a redneck party got moonshine.
  13. Southerners take their sports teams very seriously. Unlike Jets fans, however, they know a lost cause when they see it.
  14. Despite the heat, Southern girls also wear Uggs. Which means they have even fewer excuses.
  15. If you want the best barbeque in the world, head to North Carolina. You’ll taste meat so delicious you won’t even care which part of the pig it came from.
  16. Not all Southerners can play the banjo proficiently. Many spent their youths practicing the jug.
  17. If you want the best fried chicken in the world, head to a KFC in Kentucky. It’s the same as KFC anywhere else, but there you can really feel the 11 herbs and spices.
  18. Southerners are not inherently dumber or more backward than anyone else. Remember, there are also states up North where you can marry that attractive first cousin.
  19. Bigots exist, and they aren’t confined solely to the South.
  20. Love your trip down South? Encourage your hosts to pay you a visit up North! Just make sure they bring plenty of bourbon and barbeque with them.
  21. TC mark

David Thomas Tao

David is an NYC-based writer and editor, but his native Kentucky accent still slips out from time to time. He’s also …

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