Life Goes On With You (And It Goes On Without You)

What used to be a sleepless night slowly turned into a much needed therapeutic event that I always looked forward to. The constant dreams of us being in love but also best friends were replaced with seemingly more regular ones. I slowly started to dream about my upcoming work week not being so loaded or the attractive person I saw on the train the other day.

There was a period where I never wanted to see myself with another person, but surely enough I am a home to someone else now. Her heart beats faster when she sees my name light up her phone screen, just like your heart used to. She feels grounded and reassured by my presence. She’s the one I snapchat while I’m at work. She’s the one who texts me good morning.  She’s the one now, not you.

What used to be a day where I thought about you literally 207 different times turned into a week where I only thought about you twice. I don’t think about the feelings you had for me or the things we could have done together. I don’t think about how happy you made me or about how happy I made you. For a brief moment while I am washing my hands or taking out the trash, I think about how the only thing I wanted to do was make it up to you and how you didn’t let me, and then I simply continue with my task.

Yes, it would suck to learn that you have a boyfriend, or are getting ready to graduate from college with plans to move away. But you won’t catch me dwelling on it for hours on end like I used to. Yes, I still miss the way I held your hands and kissed your lips. Yes, I still miss the feeling you gave me and our endless conversation. But I get to do those things with someone else now. Someone else fills that void.

Besides it’s not like I had another option, you have become complete stranger. Morning after morning I woke up with a simple expectation to maybe hear from you or see you. But those expectations were literally never met. Not one single time.

The sun kept setting and the moon kept rising. New days kept coming, and life kept moving. So I knew I had to as well. I still had my own things to do and my own things to accomplish.

With or without you, I had to keep moving forward.

Without you, I managed to get accepted to my top choice university. Without you, I managed to land a notable internship in our nation’s capital. Without you, I will graduate with my degree, and without you I will attend law school.

The craziest thing about all of this is thinking about how you were the absolute center of my universe. In my world, the stars and planets didn’t revolve around the sun. They revolved around you. I would have done anything and everything for you. I was completely obsessed with you; I was undeniably addicted to you.

You were everything to me, and now you’re not.