February 3, 2013

American Psycho: Cleanse Edition

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American Psycho
American Psycho

You know how you’re always supposed to “sleep on it”, take a timeout, think about everything first before you burst into an adult tantrum-esque rant? Well…

I’m on my last day of a three-day cleanse. “Only three days?” you might ask? And if you did ask that, I would instantly hate you. My mom recommended it to me, because Dr. Oz recommended it to her, and Dr. Oz could recommend my mom smoke a pack a day or rub poison ivy on her face to “give it a healthy glow” and she would most likely do it.

Here’s the breakdown:

Breakfast: Green tea with stevia in it. Followed by a blended drink (everything is blended) consisting of flax seeds, raspberries, a banana, spinach, almond butter and lemon. All blended together. It’s a rather nice way to start the day. (Feeling: I’m going to dominate this!)

Lunch: Four celery stalks, one cucumber, kale, green apple, lime, coconut oil, almond milk and pineapple. This combination of green sounds so good. If I changed the font color to green, even the typed out words would look good. A green food healthy heaven. It is however, more like a green healthy hell. It is so thick and just too green. It makes me think of how denim on denim is coming back into style, which I don’t understand… head to toe denim. Horrible. This drink: top to bottom green. Just as horrible. (Feeling: I’m going insane!)

Dinner: Mango, blueberries, coconut water, more kale, lemon, avocado, cayenne pepper, more flax seeds. Not bad really. (Feeling: I’m going to cry in a bath!)

You probably are having the same thoughts I had when I first saw this three day recipe that would no doubt be a healthy escape: EASY. I love all those things and the added bonus that I get to take a bath with Epsom salt and ten drops of lavender in the evening makes this all sound almost too good to be true. Good healthy smoothies that detox your body from all the alcohol, late night snacks and holiday weight that’s sticking around far too long into 2013. Awwwww, just saying cleanse is cleansing.

So how’s it going you might wonder? I stepped in cat poop day one and started screaming and punching air. I was actually punching air, like the air was forcefully attacking me.

As day one goes along, I’m questioning everything, by day three everything fruit or vegetable will be suspect. I might freak out on my blender. I’m already cussing and talking out loud to myself, “Yeah, cucumber, you think real highly of yourself don’t you, with the multiple things you can do. Well at least I have arms!” Yes. It’s getting THAT. BAD.

I stared in a mirror and combed my hair back like Christian Bale in American Psycho today. Now THAT is officially chainsaw overboard. Again, all of this, sadly, is day one.

On day two I thought I would go for a walk jog (walg?) in the cross-country fields for a few miles to cool down (it’s 24 degrees here) and just clear my mind.

You won’t believe me, but in the middle of the cross-country field, where you normally might see a rabbit on a busy day, some guy is riding a bicycle kind of in circles and weaving, like he doesn’t quite know how he got to this field and what the purpose of a bike is.

My mom’s dog Sam, who is a miniature poodle, expresses his hello’s with vicious but harmless growls, runs up to this man and says hello, i.e. vicious growls. Then Sam starts barking, like he’s trying to say “You’re not doing it right! Pedal into a direction and you will go from point A to point B!” but it just comes out like rude barks. (I’m saying this like there’s another way it could come out, like maybe Sam finally deciding to speak words in this particular situation.)

This man gets angry, looks at me like I’m the weird one, wearing headphones in workout clothes jogging with two dogs in a cross-country field, like I’m the weird one. The guy then used a not very polite expression at my dog and kind of shooed him away. All I could think is “Why are you here?” “Who are you?” “Why are you in the middle of a field seemingly drunk driving a bicycle in 24 degree weather?”

He quickly decided he didn’t mind the dogs and thought it best to strike up a conversation. He told me about how he got the bike off Craigslist and was just “wheelin’ round'”. So I decided whom better to vent to than a stranger in a field and told him about the cleanse. He thought it was all very stupid. “The best way to live a long life is bacon and eggs for breakfast and a nice steak for dinner,” he said. He then noticed me drool a little and go off into a back filled daydream. That’s when I realized my initial judgment of who the weird one was in this situation might have been wrong. I then introduced him to Max and Sam properly, and after 20 minutes we parted ways. Oh and if anybody needs a good deal on “fainting goats”, I now know a guy. This all happened on…day two.

For every person that comments on this about how successful your cleanses have been, then great, you win at cleansing. But for every person who’s thinking about doing one: embrace the madness. Because at the end of your detoxed day you will find yourself laughing hysterically at your behavior and the unlucky weirdness that would only happen while trying to survive a cleanse. Followed by semi-serious plans to contact Dr. Oz and tell him he’s just as ridiculous as a guy you once met in a field on a bike. TC mark

David Dean

David Dean is the publisher of Serial Optimist and writer of things that hopefully make you smile. He is a comedy …

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