Look, I’m not going to mince words here. I don’t quite know what it means to ‘mince words’ exactly, but I think I’m not doing that right now. Maybe you can explain that concept to me on our first date. I’m guessing it means ‘to cut to the chase’ or ‘traffic in brevity.’ That’s my best guess. I’ve been wrong before, and don’t you think that a man who can admit when he’s wrong is a very suitable mate?
Anyway, I’m in love with you. The fact that we have never met should not be a deterrent. I can already tell we have a lot in common. I’m also half-Jewish. I love younger women and you love being a young woman. We’re both comfortable with our bodies. Hip people enjoy our respective bodies of work. We both live in big cities. We share a heartfelt longing for lasting human contact.
You can’t make a coupling last when both people are exactly the same though, so I have also thought of a few differences. I’m a man, and you’re a woman. That’s a difference. You have tattoos and I don’t. You’re very successful and wealthy, and I bounced a rent check last year. I hope you’re starting to see how compatible we are.
I want to be totally honest with you about one thing. I don’t really watch your show a whole lot. I do watch a great deal of Game of Thrones, which is also on HBO. I think Veep is fantastic. I sort of miss Real Sex and Taxicab Confessions. My cousin is named ‘Hannah.’ I hope these facts make up for my indiscretion. I guess I don’t watch your show because I’m really busy being creative, unique and insanely popular with 18-35 year old females, much like you. See, another similarity!
I wrote a well-reasoned, sober defense of Girls on Thought Catalog that I hope you read. I’m sure you did, since you’re connected to what’s going on in pop culture. I don’t really mind that there are no minorities on your show, even though I’m a minority. I do a little acting here and there, but I’m not sure I would even want to be on your show. This is not because I think your show is bad. Again, I haven’t seen much of it, other than the one where the guy pees on you. A second confession I have to make is that I’m not really into that sort of stuff. Our sex life will be terribly mundane. I’ll likely just want to cuddle half the time. I’m certain you wouldn’t mind that. You seem like a cuddler.
So yeah, it’s not because I think your show is bad. What it is is that I don’t want you and I to mix business with romance. Our relationship and our work should be separate, kind of like Alec Baldwin and Kim Basinger, Brad Pitt and Jennifer Aniston, Bennifer, or Britney and Kevin. These are all couples I look up to, and we can model our love after theirs. As I always say, “we stand on the shoulders of the ones that came before us.” That has a nice ring to it. Speaking of rings, I have no commitment issues to speak of. When I order pizza, I finish the whole thing. If that’s not commitment, I’m not sure what is.
Did I mention I like younger women? I suppose I could reread this letter to figure that out, but what is love if not a blind ignorance of the past? I’m going to pretend I haven’t said a word about my love of younger women and describe this in explicit detail. You’re 25. I’m 27. Do the math, Lena. That’s two extra years of experience that I have on you. I can spend hours talking about those two years and what they meant to me. You are encouraged to remind me what it’s like to be in your mid-20s and I can expose you to the wonders of being in your early-to-mid-late-20s. SPOILER ALERT: It’s a lot like the mid-20s, but with less hair and looser jeans.
I think you’re probably sold on me, but in case I haven’t quite sealed the deal yet, allow me to further describe what I can offer you.
I’m sexually accomplished.
OK, I get that I said I’m not really into kinky stuff, but aren’t you ready for a sensitive, reasonable guy? I’ll tell you how beautiful you are, plus I’ll cry during any movie that has Batman in it. Hopefully you like Batman as much as I do. In between fits of tears, I will satisfy you physically in ways you might not even imagine are possible. As a writer, you have an active imagination, but what I’ve got is not on your radar. Let’s just say I enjoy dressing up like Batman.
My lack of financial success makes me humble.
I promise to never get cocky on you, because I am keenly aware of what Top Ramen tastes like. Sometimes I eat it raw. Other times, I lick the inside of the leftover seasoning packet because that’s all I have left in my cupboard. I have also been known to stare at an empty bag of Top Ramen from the trash to try to satisfy my hunger through intense sense memory.
I’m really creative.
Who could figure out how to cure starvation through thinking? A really clever guy, that’s who.
I appreciate you taking the time to give me a chance. Click on my Thought Catalog byline to see how handsome I am, if you’re still not sure. I think the lighting in that photo was especially kind to my soft features.
You can reach me via e-mail at email@example.com, or you are welcome to send me some money via PayPal. All of this thinking about Top Ramen has made me hungry, and it’s two weeks until payday.
If you’re reading right now and you aren’t Lena Dunham, can you please forward this to the appropriate party?