If The Real Housewives of Orange County Were Scripted “The Evil Plan”
By Dara Katz
Off the cobblestone streets of Puerto Vallarta, a trifecta of drunk mothers free of the wet blankets hobble into Andale’s to continue their night of fun bachelorette-ness. What happened was that in a purely accidental comedy of errors, TAMRA, LYDIA, and VICKI separated from GRETCHEN and LINDA (doesn’t HEATHER look more like a LINDA? I’m just gonna go with this because it feels so right) who are left to fend for themselves in a stretch limo pick-up truck as a gang of Mexican druglords surrounds the vehicle because, get this, GRETCHEN has, unbeknownst to her, put a serious dent in the Mexican drug economy ever since some people in Appalachia discovered what great meth they could cook when they boiled a bunch of Gretchen Christine products together.
While TAMRA, LYDIA and VICKI have a wonderful drunk time dancing on tables and putting their vaginas in strange men’s faces, GRETCHEN and LINDA never quite connect the dots to tell the limo driver to take them to Andale’s, and instead hop out of the limo and go home in a cab to cry themselves to sleep.
When the trifecta returns from a night of fun-fueled debauchery, LINDA and GRETCHEN express their disdain for being left behind and VICKI pees the bed.
The next morning GRETCHEN plays concierge with the help of the archetypical Housewives ethnic tour guide, Hector, to lead the ladies on a cultural field trip. Through the purple tinted windows of their stretch limo the ladies are privy to some wonderful Mexican sculptures and blah blah blah they can make penises into anything, straws, hats, fake penises etc. Then the ladies have a private viewing of a bull fight with a matador who is EDDIE, there’s no argument. The matador is EDDIE, and did LYDIA drop a Holocaust reference?
Back in the limo, tensions boil over about last’s nights shenanigans. GRETCHEN and LINDA are still pretty peeved the other ladies totally 100% accidentally left them behind. GRETCHEN cries and calls VICKI a hypocrite. VICKI’s response? She’s just like, “Learn different words. I’m not a hypocrite. I’ve been left behind before and I hate it. I’m not a hypocrite.” So VICKI’s clearly a hypocrite, but GRETCHEN still takes the order to call her something else and aptly chooses, “fucking bitch,” to which VICKI is like, “Yep, that’s more accurate.”
Finally, the ladies get some pool time. GRETCHEN gives all the ladies her little custom-made gift bags filled with Gretchen Christine products that have sat in the sun so long they’ve melted together into a potent derivative of meth. “Oh, my mother will love this!” says Lydia.
After a tiff between GRETCHEN and VICKI who are both feeling like the other stole or is the process of stealing their best friend, TAMRA, TAMRA and GRETCHEN have a heart-to-heart on the beach with a sexy skin-to-skin hug.
While TAMRA’s all like, “I want e’rbody to be friendz,” she’s also totally loving the attention she’s getting from this friendship love triangle. She’s the star of the show, and she wants to keep it that way, so why not stir things up a bit by sprinkling in the shocking fact that last night’s ditch-fest wasn’t totally 100% accidental as everyone totally believed, but was actually part of VICKI’s evil plan to keep GRETCHEN and TAMRA apart. LINDA was just collateral damage. GRETCHEN’s response to this jaw-dropping news: “Yeah, duh. We all knew that.” VICKI, you may have won the battle, but it doesn’t look like you’ve won the war.
Back in the States, ALEXIS and JIM pretend they’re mob royalty, fur coat, Italian restaurant and all, and try their darnedest to prove to the cameras that they do not need the other women to be on the show–but wait LYDIA called ALEXIS and omg all this stuff is happening in Puerto Vallarta! JIM orders his slave to stop the noise about the other women, so ALEXIS creates a storyline for herself by wanting a baby. ALEXIS, you can’t save a relationship (whether it be with a man or a show) with another baby.
And we return to Mexico where the plastic penises reign. But wait, VICKI brings a huge plastic penis gift and the ladies react to it like it’s the most offensive thing they’ve ever seen. Are not all plastic penises created equally? Apparently not. LYDIA bounces because Jesus said there’s only one penis for her to lay her eyes on, and the matador strippers arrive for a night of aggressive dry humping and banging the women’s heads against their groins.
At the end of the night, since GRETCHEN planned the whole weekend, she pays the strippers–who the women repeatedly body shamed and mocked for having “semen all over their bodies”–with two custom-made gift bags filled with Gretchen Christine products. Unbeknownst to GRETCHEN, the gifts winds up costing the strippers a lot more than they were owed. While walking back home, the strippers run into the neighborhood drug lords who see the bags and mistake them for being their competition’s meth pushers.
What happens in Mexico…! RIGHT?!
And the award for the person most likely to sneak Bible scripture into her vernacular goes to: LYDIA! *snaps*