If The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills Were Scripted: “There’s No Business Like Clothes Business or Let’s Admit Kim Relapsed”

Mar. 15, 2013
Dara Katz (dare-uh cats) is a writer and comedian based in Brooklyn, as of like, a week ago. Her best quality is ...
Sometimes I’m so entertained by The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills that I like to pretend somebody actually scripted the entire show. This is what the treatment for last night’s episode would look like:

The final evening in Paris, MAURICIO gets the blues when YOLANDA surprises BRANDI with some “sorry you’re single” shoes. Doesn’t she know that MAURICIO is the “surprise guy”? Sure maybe shoes are a few steps down from his usual “here’s a car because we’re on TV!” but surprises are his jurisdiction. Let it be known or…SURPRISE! Here’s a car.

Back in the States, MARISSA of the OF THE HOLLYWOOD ZANUCKS and KYLE discuss getting MAURICIO involved in selling MARISSA’s parents’ mansion since her father recently — blah blah blah this is about KYLE! She’s opening a store! Oh, and KIM probably relapsed in France but KYLE’S OPENING A STORE!

In the clouds of heaven where the VANDERPUMPS live, GIGGY attempts to walk. First the alopecia and now the lethargy, it appears that beneath the layers of expensive dog sweaters GIGGY is severely troubled. Sad face. But he still manages to be extremely adorable. Happy face. GIGGY and his owner meet with event coordinator KEVIN LEE to plan a million dollar housewarming/renewing of the vows party. KEVIN LEE possibly celebrates his new gig by twirling an imaginary lasso and yelling “Viet Cong!”

Somewhere in LOS ANGELES THE PERSON WHO CAN’T DO ANYTHING WITH HIS WIFE BECAUSE HE’S SOMEWHERE WITH BARBRA STREISAND has been met with a conundrum. See, he has to carry his own bag of clothes to the photo shoot in which he and his slavewife are modeling. After much deliberation idling in his jet at the tongue of the driveway, THE PERSON WHO CAN’T DO ANYTHING WITH HIS WIFE BECAUSE HE’S SOMWHERE WITH BARBRA STREISAND calls BARBARA STREISAND to help him figure this out. MS. STREISAND uses her renowned Dolly Levi problem solving to convince her friend that he can carry his garments up the driveway and to the photo shoot by himself. And so he does! On the other end of the cell line, MS. STREISAND hangs up her phone and grumbles, “It’s so hard to find good help these days.”

After MAURICIO surprises MARISSA OF THE HOLLYWOOD ZANUCKS with a low-ball number to put her late father’s house on the market, we see KYLE buying merchandise for her store and realize that our personal nightmare of walking into a store that sells only clothes and big earrings that KYLE wears is about to come true. Her style is a mix of generic tribal (the most offensive kind) meets generic Beverly Hills meets Elmer’s Glue meets rhinestones meets flammable. If KYLE’s store does well we can expect Beverly Hills to spontaneously combust…but like a cockroach, FAYE RESNICK will unquestionably survive. Sad face.

At an empty restaurant, TAYLOR meets up with last season’s wannabe cast member DANA. Turns out DANA’s not doing too well. But the franchise can put her to good use as a foil to make both TAYLOR and KIM’s problems seem like little pimples compared to her nuclear breakdown. BITCH GONE CRAZY. She’s admittedly —- at least through innuendo — on hella amounts of drugs and is likely to have left her children in the care of a stray cat. She’s broke, drunk, and still desperately clinging to the chances of being a Real Housewife by shitting on BRANDI. Let her story be a lesson to you all: never trust an imaginary boyfriend with imaginary money to solve your real problems.

Finally, it’s KYLE’s opening. Is this really the best way to invest her money? No. It’s more of narcissistic extension of KYLE (and Aileen? WHO THE F IS AILEEN?) Basically the opening is a bunch of people in the store dressed up and circling around the issues that KYLE needs a haircut, that FAYE is clearly a drag queen, and that KIM SR. relapsed in Paris.
What is a party without some confrontation? Not a party at all. YOLANDA confronts TAYLOR demanding that if TAYLOR has a problem with her to “tell it to her face.” So TAYLOR does. She explains that she has some beef with THE PERSON WHO CAN’T DO ANYTHING WITH HIS WIFE BECAUSE HE’S SOMEWHERE WITH BARBARA STREISAND. But what TAYLOR quickly learns is that what YOLANDA really wants is for her to “not tell it to her face.” Touché.

And then the COUPLE MALOOF shows face after being hermits for a good while. See, MALOOF wasn’t just sitting idly by while not filming, no no no. MALOOF got a J.D. from the University of Phoenix and she’s ready to prosecute somebody—but before she can even call “order in the court” (she thinks that’s what lawyers do), MAURICIO bulldozes a Ferrari Formula One car through the storefront hitting several innocent bystanders and yelling “Surprise!” TC mark

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